DIARY
Thoughts on a summer day
by
Robert LaFrance
A certain individual in this house
has a clock radio that she uses as an alarm. One recent morning I awoke to the
‘music’ of an acid rock punk heavy metal grunge band and almost went through
the ceiling. Accordingly, I have now spoken to various members of Parliament
and the mayor of Kincardine in an attempt to have a new law struck. No more of
that in the morning! On the other hand, it did get me out of bed.
Some things in life are inevitable,
like the pronunciation of the word ‘inevitable’ when I was a young feller, I
was a great reader, but many of the words I had never heard pronounced,
correctly or otherwise. The teacher got me to read a passage from a textbook
and I pronounced the word ‘in-eVET-able’. She laughed and embarrassed me,
because it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘in-EVitable’. Oh, the pain of growing
up.
Speaking of inevitable, some things
in life are just that, like Murphy’s Law. In this case though, I refer to
someone, anyone, who goes by the initials C.D. They have to be called ‘Seedy’,
no matter how many people they beat up for doing just that. Also, if one’s name
is Stanley, he WILL be called ‘Stan the Man’. The nicknames of many Winstons is
‘Wink’.
Some things in life are not to be
believed. Everywhere we look, there is astronaut Chris Hadfield playing his
guitar and singing, or appearing in a garden show in Ernfold, Saskatchewan.
He’s has had quite a career in space and I hope it’s made him a billion dollars
afterward. It must have been quite something to look out the window (porthole?)
of his spacecraft and down at the earth. That’s why it surprised me (who am
rarely surprised) when I found out last week that Chris Hadfield, who received
his pilot’s licence at age fifteen, is afraid of heights.
In last week’s column I mentioned
that ordinary tap water is every bit as good as bottled water, and while this
is true in almost all cases (except northeastern Gambia) there are cases when
tap water is less than alluring. On the day I sent that column in to this
newspaper, I went uptown and heard two stories in ten minutes from people whose
tap water wasn’t fit for Joseph Stalin. In both cases their tap water was a
reddish brown colour. So, okay, in those two cases bottled water is better, but
not in everyone else’s homes. No wait, I had better check that out.
NEWS FLASH! Another possible error.
Excuse me for reporting earlier in this column that astronaut Chris Hadfield
was afraid of heights. I had some incorrect information there. It appears that
it came from Russia and the U.S. White House, who wouldn’t know the truth if it
landed Splat! on their tailfeathers. I do apologize to the readers and to Chris
who has friends in high places and visits them often.
Watching a CNN commentary show last
evening, I heard one guest refer to a Donald Trump statement as “a bald-faced
assertion that runs contrary to the facts”. Erin Burnett, a wonderful
interviewer, asked if that wouldn’t be better “characterized” as a lie; the
guest, a Washington Post reporter whose name I can’t remember, said: “You got
that right, Erin.” Ironically, the thing about Donald Trump is not that he’s a
liar, but that he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about. Ever.
My friend Flug’s nephew Grover was
visiting the big guy last week and the two spent the whole week fishing up
around Trout Brook in the Birch Ridge area where I used to live. They also
spent some time trying to drag huge trout – at least that was the story – out
of Odellac Stream, and yes I know the name has about five official spellings.
Maggie’s Falls was also called Robinson Falls among other thing, especially the
day I slipped and slid about a hundred feet downstream on some mighty hard
rocks.
The point I’m getting to is that
Flug and Grover have some bear spray to thank for their arriving back home in
one piece. Flug always carries two cans of anti-bear spray when he goes into
the woods (while at the same time NOT carrying an EpiPen for his hornet
allergy). As they stepped over a log they disturbed a large bear who must have
been watching Coronation Street and you know what those viewers are like. The
bear spray slowed down the bear that Grover swore was a brown bear even though
only black bears are found in New Brunswick. Good thing I didn’t call him a
liar, because the next day a ranger told me that some black bears are brown in
colour. Go figure.-end-
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