DIARY
Larry needs a lift after
his operation
by
Robert LaFrance
Looking at the calendar, I am truly
staggered and it is not because of alcohol or drugs.
It’s the end of August, for crying
out loud! And crying out loud is what I did all last winter as I waited
(im)patiently for Spring to arrive. Now here we are, on the cusp of September.
As Beatrix Potter wrote in all those kids’ books, I think I shall go
distracted.
In spite of that horrific news, we
must move on with our careers. Donald Trump aside (what a pleasant thought!),
there are other things going on in the world. School is about to start on its
fall season and I can see and hear the sassy smirks, grinning guffaws and
giggles, the chortling and chuckling of long-suffering parents who have been at
their wits’ ends trying to entertain the little darlings.
“In loco parentis” is a Latin phrase
meaning ‘in place of the parents’ which is what teachers are expected to be,
and after school starts THEIR teeth will be getting ground down to match those
of the parents who took their little gangsters to everything from the Grafton
Marble Championships to the Lerwick Canoe Races – anything to keep the little
brutes quiet.
NOTE: Since I brought up three
little brats, I am qualified to comment.
**********************
Other comments on things that have
already happened this short summer:
About ten days ago I was driving
along Kintore Road in Lower Kintore when I met a tractor-trailer – almost met
it, because I pulled WAY off the road. The driver apparently thought he was on
the Indiannapolis Speedway. The logging trailer was empty and actually bouncing
when he passed me. Not sure what the hurry was, but the rocks were flying.
Listening to an MPBN radio program
called ‘Living on Earth’, I heard an interviewer welcoming a chap from the
midwestern U.S.A. The chap answered “Happy to beer”. I am always interested in
accents and this was a dandy. “Happy to be here,” was what he said, but it had
the effect of making me pay attention and walk to the fridge. By the way, they
were talking about elephant tusks. That may be important.
Electronic devices are everywhere.
Smartphones here and there; and people keep saying: “There’s an app for that.”
What they mean of course is that there is an application for a certain action.
Just download from the Internet a little icon for The Weather Channel and when
you want to know the forecast for Saskatoon, just tap it. However some people,
especially in restaurants, keep talking to their smartphones and pressing their
apps. Usually what comes to my mind is the sentence: “There’s a slap for that.”
Speaking of The Weather Channel,
quite a few people (men) I know have suggested that the women on that network
had been chosen for their appearance (they all look like models) but as a
former weather service guy, I can tell you that they really do a good job of
presenting the weather to an ignorant public. I was a TV weather forecaster –
filling in for someone competent – in Inuvik for one week back in the 1970s and
it’s a hard job.
My friend Flug’s cousin Larry just
emerged the hospital yesterday and we’re all glad to see him back. He had had a
hernia operation. What caused this condition was his carrying around so many
keys. Now he keeps them in a ‘man-purse’ around his waist. Down at the club
last evening he showed us all the keys he used to carry around in his pocket.
Two GMC pickup keys, two freezer keys, his Toyota car keys, seven unidentified
keys, probably from previously owned vehicles but he doesn’t dare throw them
away, a key to the church, to his dog’s kennel fence, to various chests, etc.
etc. We asked why he didn’t leave some keys home under an ashtray or something;
he said that if he did that he’d need it immediately. Just then a TV show on
the club’s big screen announced that singer Alicia Keys was about to perform.
Larry turned pale and dashed out, shouting over his shoulder: “No more!”
Last evening when I was driving home
from town a vehicle was following me very closely all the way, with the added
bonus that the driver kept on his high beams. When we met a vehicle, he dimmed
his headlights, but as soon as that vehicle was by he put the high beams back
on so they filled my rear-view mirrors. I slowed down several times so he would
pass, but he wouldn’t until I put on my left signal light to turn into my road.
Then he zoomed by. Is there a button on some drivers’ seats that turn
drivers stupid? By the way, the pickup
looked a lot like Larry’s. I hope he picks up an anvil.-end-
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