DIARY
Things
that drive this writer around the bend
by
Robert LaFrance
In this first column of 2015, I will
begin with a list of things that drive me crazy, although there are those who
would say that the journey would be a short bike ride. I have a ways to go yet
– in my opinion anyway. I begin:
1. Getting up in the morning and
finding that the windstorm of the evening before has spread a hundred shingles
all over the white snow and there’s a hole in the garage roof big enough to
drive a C-130 Hercules through and if you’ve ever flown in a C-130 you know it
could go pretty much where it wants to. I’ve spent almost 20 hours in one –
great plane, but not exactly comfortable.
2. Receiving a letter from an
admiring reader and then discovering in the last paragraph that it was really
meant for Rex Murphy. While we both hail from Atlantic Canada, I am a much
better writer, although I must admit that he knows one or two more words than I
do. Anyhow, I think he writes because of a surfeit of cupidity whereas I write
for money.
3. Ordering the take-out chili from
the little local restaurant, having a quick few spoonfuls in the car before I
start for home, and finding that the chili contains liquid fire. Naturally this
would be one of the few times I would be without a water bottle. (As I stumbled
down to the river and drove my face through the ice, I could hear people
tittering.)
4. When I phone someone and they
don’t immediately leave whatever they’re doing to talk to me and give me the
information that I seek. I called a mechanic the other day and, although he
could have set down that transmission, he yelled that he would call me later.
Another thing that really bugs me is when people call and expect me to drop
whatever I’m in the middle of and talk to them. Are they the centre of the
universe or what?
5. People who pronounce the last
letter of the alphabet as ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’. Those American spellings
(favor, flavor, etc.) don’t bother me at all, but that ‘zee’ thing is
ridiculous. It’s like lighting a cigarette at Midnight Mass. I know that we’re
saturated with American ‘culture’ but can’t we at least keep our ‘zed’?
6. Ordering a delicious sounding
meal at a new restaurant and finding out that it’s about the equivalent of
canned soup? One evening last fall my wife and I tried a meal at La Citron Blue
in a city near you; I ordered a pasta-cheese dish whose description sounded
like a gourmet’s dream, and she ordered a chicken dish that, according to the
menu, had been prepared by the gods of ancient Athens. I got macaroni and
cheese and she got KFC. And the cost! Something along the line of two car
payments and a year’s supply of bratwurst.
7. Working all morning to complete a
couple of long news stories and dealing with the five photos, and then the
power goes off, or the Internet decides it would better serve people on the
Planet Zorboan3. Or doing all this and finding out that the Internet at the
main office is taking a hike, so I would put all my work on a travel drive and
head for the office 40 kilometres away only to find that my wife had taken BOTH
of our cars uptown. How does she do that?
8. Reading in the paper or seeing on
the TV news that a certain writer who trained with me, all those years ago,
just had his book published with a $425,000 advance. This is the guy who, in
class, couldn’t tell the difference between a verb and a noun and whose prose
was very much like hen droppings. Yes, I’m talking about you, Rex Murphy.
9. Family members and other alleged
humans having the idea that, because I work at home, I’m always available to do
work here, like piling wood. Gross. I broke a fingernail in early November and
am still feeling the effects. I hereby announce that just because I work at
home doesn’t mean that I’m sitting here and watching my Manchester United vs.
Chelsea FC soccer game and bemoaning that fact that in the 67th
minute my team is behind 3-1.
10. Ben Mulroney.
-end-
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