Describe
the year 2014 – ZOOM!
by
Robert LaFrance
It’s true that I read a lot, and I
read a lot of things that indicate the writer is less than satisfied with the
ever-increasing pace of life. One item I recently read was discussing the
modern inventions that “…have conquered time and space to a greater extent
during the last sixty years than all the preceding six hundred years witnessed;
so that a man may now cram into ten years as much experience as his grandfather
could have done in fifty.”
That article was written in 1897,
when Queen Victoria, the beloved Queen Victoria, had been on the throne for
seven or eight centuries, or so it seems.
I was recently in Fredericton and,
for the first time in several years, rode on a bus. I counted FIFTEEN people
who were tapping away on their cellphones, iPhones, uPhones, Androids, laptop,
boxtops, and Eye-Pads, and I wondered: “What have those people accomplished
during this bus ride?”
Then I asked myself what I had
accomplished by watching them tap, tap, tap. The answer to that second question
was ‘nothing’ but THEY at least had communicated with other people and if they
didn’t do that they at least played some electronic games.
Many people – or many persons, to
use proper English – my age point to the ubiquitous electronic equipment that’s
been set loose as an example of how the younger generation has gone to hell in
a handbasket, but those of us who only have a cellphone, a Smartphone and half
a dozen laptops plus a desktop computer and a car that relies on computers are
doing just the same thing.
Therefore, when and if January 1st
arrives for me, I am going to resolve that, like Thoreau, I will “simplify,
simplify, simplify”. I shall buy a horse and buggy, get rid of anything
electronic in the house, forbid the use of cellphones within 400 metres of me,
and (as mayor) ban ‘texting’ in the Scotch Colony.
“That’s not simplifying,” said my
friend Flug who was reading over my shoulder
as I typed, “that’s being a simpleton.”
I demurred, which I understand means
the same as disagreed. “Life is too complicated today, Flug,” I said. “I want
to go back to the good old days when we were kids, happily playing baseball on
the fields of Tilley. Remember the fun we had? All kids do nowadays is wear out
their thumbs on those Eye-Pads and suchlike.”
“Seems to me that you and I were
just uptown last week and watched some hockey and basketball games involving
youngsters who were in better shape than we ever were,” Flug pointed out in his
gentle but pointed way. “You’re an idiot, Bob.” He pulled his Smartphone out of
a pocket, “and I’m going to text that sentence to you so that it’s on the
record.”
“On the record,” I snorted
delicately. “How can it be on the record when it only exists digitally? There
aren’t any records any more, paper records that last and last. It won’t be long
before any records we have will only exist like that and when Apple or Google
decide to discontinue this phone and we can’t even get batteries any more,
they’ll all disappear.
“There won’t be any more museums, so
Quebec will fold up and fly away. Every community in that province has one or
two (federally funded) museums…”
“There is an upside to everything,”
sneered Flug who, in his career as a Parliament Hill barber, had had many a
run-in with Bloc Quebecois MPs. “But back to reality, if you get rid of
everything electronic, what are you going to drink when lemonade is not available? Your water pump
here at your estate is electronic.” I scratched my head in consternation at
that one. Actually, I was scratching my head in Kincardine, but as Grampy used
to say, the odds is the difference.
“What will you do for
entertainment?” Flug went on relentlessly. When I said I would work at
‘projects’ like cutting wood and painting the garage, he was sceptical. “Bob,
to put it gently, you are a lazy bum and always have been. The idea of you
spending your days doing physical work is about as likely as Stephen Harper
parachuting off the Peace Tower.”
“Well, thanks for putting it gently,
Flug.”
After I said I would spend a lot of
time reading, he asked me how I would get to town “…and don’t give me that male
cow manure about buying a horse and buggy. Do you remember taking care of your
father’s horse King? The one that squeezed you against the wall of his stable
and almost killed you?”
So let’s go to the bottom line: I
decided not to get rid of all my electric and electronic devices, but I would
insist on registering my complaint in this column; here it is. By the way, I
just checked out the Christmas presents my wife had bought me and left in plain
sight at the back of the closet under some clothes in a trunk, and there is a
new iPad. I guess I can stand it a while longer.
-end-
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