Almost believed the story,
but scepticism kicked in
by Robert LaFrance
Since I am now too old and fat for the other kind of
surfing, I often surf the Internet for interesting (non-porn, by the way) news
items; Saturday I thought I had found one.
There it was, plain as Brian Mulroney’s earlobe: “Pope
Francis has hired famous and revered children’s author JK Rowling to rewrite
the Bible.”
“This is dyno-mite!” I shouted to Flug, who was watching
a British soap opera called Coronation Street. He didn’t even twitch. On the TV
screen I could see a barmaid about to lean over and refresh a customer’s drink.
I must admit I was distracted myself for a minute, but I dragged my eyes away
and back to the computer monitor. They didn’t want to go.
“It is hoped the author, most famous for her Harry Potter
series (the story went on), can make it more accessible and believable for a
new generation of Catholics and Christians. (Implying there is a difference?)
While the specifics of the rewrite are not yet known, it is believed Rowling is
tasked with producing a compelling tale that young Catholics and Christians can
engage with.
“We are very happy Miss Rowling has agreed to the
rewrite, we keenly await the first draft,” a Vatican insider said. He
(definitely ‘he’) continued: “The sales of the Jesus Christ action figure have
dropped by over 200% in the last 10 years, we are in need of new, compelling
and toy-friendly characters…our revenue streams are shrinking.”
At that point I knew it was a hoax because nobody says
‘revenue streams’ any more.
*****************************
The next story I perused was a very believable one. North
Korea had announced that they had landed a man on the sun.
What made it believable was that the State News Agency of
North Korea said that astronaut Kim Kim Kim had landed on the BACK side of the
sun, which is obviously much cooler than the front side There was no word in
the news article as to when Kim etc. is expected back. Indeed, there was no
mention that he would be back. Perhaps this is an attempt by North Korea to
move to another neighbourhood altogether, since no one seems to like them here
on earth.
Before I leave this story, I want to apologize to Kim
because I was unable to guess whether ‘Kim’ was his first, last or middle name,
and which of the three Kims in his full name I should be addressing him by.
**********************************
I’m going to get serious now, and not even mention silly
stories like massacres in Greenland, corn mould in Nunavut wheat, the assault
on English grammar by Englishmen, and the brutal winter in southern El
Salvador.
This is a subject I have often decided to write a column
on, then changed my mind, then decided again, then chickened out, but this time
I’m really going to do it.
I refer to Kraft Dinners. As I sit here typing out this
column at the kitchen table, I am fully satisfied with my meal just enjoyed.
KD, as many people call it now, supplies every possible necessary nutrient to
my aged frame while presenting me with – if you will pardon me this cliché – a
meal fit for a king.
Ask me if there’s protein in there: of course there is.
At least I think there is, but I will get back to you once I ascertain what
protein is. Vitamin D? Before I cooked that gourmet repast, I went for a long
walk down to the garage in the warm February sun and soaked up all kinds –
well, just one kind – of vitamin D, which either makes strong bones and teeth
or helps me see better at night. Maybe both.
KD has vegetables, fruits (don’t bet the farm on this
one), grain, essential oils, and a bunch of other stuff. I even did some
research. The online encyclopedia said it was ‘first introduced’ in 1937 in the
U.S. (of course!) by a Scotsman. Why would they say ‘first introduced’? How
many times did they introduce it?
This may shock people, but I did attend university for a
short time in the 1960s – the mention
of that decade will explain why it was a short time – and while there, I and my
roomie existed on Kraft Dinner. I’m talking breakfast, lunch, supper, snacks and
even more snacks. Occasionally we would buy a bag of potato chips and a bottle
of cola, but it was otherwise KD.
I
just wanted to explain why I’m like I am today. You knew there had to be a
reason, right? It wasn’t tobacco (nine years a smoker) or lemonade; it was the
Kraft Dinners. A news item I read today (just after the North Korea story) said
that those who ate more than 1000 Kraft Dinners in their lives are unlikely to
be able to form a lucid sentence by age
66. I’d better write fast. My 66th birthday is on May 11.-end-
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