You
don’t have to be a rocket scientist
by
Robert LaFrance
Somebody was trying to explain
something to me the other day, and it was going pretty slowly. The old cement
just wasn’t taking in what he was saying about Twittering, blogging, band width
and iPads. “You don’t have to be a rocket scientist, you know, to understand
how to use this stuff,” he, exasperated, said finally.
I beg to differ. The cement that’s
in my head was poured there in 1948 and the instructions on how to ‘access’ it
in 2013 have disappeared into the mists many decades ago. I do well to run a
camera and type on this here what-you-call-it, keyboard.
And then I thought back to those
halcyon days of youth, as the phrase goes, and remember the items we used to
get in boxes of cereal. It could have been Wheaties, but I suspect it was
something more like Sugar-plus Sweet Circles of Calories. Back in those days
kids’ breakfast cereal manufacturers use to market almost pure sugar and set
the box on a table with orange juice, toast, etc. and say their sugar cereal
was ‘part of this balanced breakfast’.
The only thing balanced about it was
that it was placed on the table so the whole thing didn’t fall over.
My point, finally, is this: In that
breakfast cereal box were often little prizes, some of them worth nearly a
penny (wholesale) and one prize I remember was one of those little rockets in
which the cereal eater (if he hadn’t already succumbed to diabetes) could put
baking soda, and then vinegar. Zoom! Up would go the rocket, several inches.
So you see, contrary to what that
‘somebody’ in the first paragraph was saying, I am indeed a rocket scientist.
On the other hand, it still doesn’t help me understand Twittering, which I
thought all this time was the chirping of a bird. Come to think of it,
Twittering IS just that, but quite often the bird is the Eastern Male Cow
Manure Finch.
***************************
Even at my advanced age, I am still
occasionally surprised at the actions of human beings.
I checked the calendar after I heard
the following news story, just to make sure it wasn’t April 1st.
According to some spokesmen from NASA, an organization that put people on the
moon and was careful to bring them back home again, plans are afoot for an
8-month one-way mission to Mars.
That in itself is not that
surprising – the U.S. has to keep up their deficit somehow – but the fact that
there will be humans on board the spacecraft did rather shock me. The announcer
said it will probably never take place, but the mere mention of the space
flight already has more than two dozen applicants for what is a literal suicide
mission. Some people, obviously rich people, want to go out in a blaze of
glory.
Of course as soon as the story
broke, many other people were eager to volunteer OTHER people. I’m not
mentioning any names, but a certain Perth-Andover gent, once he hears about the
‘one-way’ feature, will, I am sure, eagerly put forward the name of a certain
Health Minister as a critical mass on the spacecraft.
******************************
No column would be complete without
a few comments about Senator Mike Duffy.
Someone said last week that Prime
Minister Stephen Harper had orchestrated the whole scandal, including the
allegedly phony expense claims by Duffy, Pamela Wallin and two other senators, so
Canadians will get so fed up they will riot in the streets in favour of
abolishing the Senate.
Canadians? Rioting? Okay, maybe over
a Stanley Cup final or something important like that, but not about the Senate.
We are all sitting around and waiting for our phone call to join the fat cats
in the Red Chamber, so why should we want to destroy the greatest trough in the
country?
I can be as outraged as a spitting adder about Mike Duffy’s ripping
off the country, but if I got that phone call from Steve I would say: “Ready,
aye ready!” I would pack my Captain Canada comic books, my laptop, toothbrush,
and a few apples to eat on the way, and head for Ottawa. It’s as close as I’m
ever going to get to heaven.
One
of the things so funny about the Mike Duffy situation is that the media are
helping him, a former journalist, as much as possible. Here’s an example, big
headline: “Duffy resigns from caucus”.
You would be amazed at the number of
people who have commented to me that it was a good thing we finally got him out
of the Senate. He resigned from the Conservative caucus. It means he’s not
officially listed as a Tory. He’s still a Senator, still gets his salary and
all the perks. Some people think it’s all over for the poor chap whose pension from
CTV, his Canada Pension, his Senate money and various other income is probably
close to $350,000, but we know better, don’t we?
-END-
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