Flemming has brought back Mr. Dressup’s Tickle Trunk   

 

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

 

            New Brunswick’s Health Minister Ted Flemming recently ‘hinted’ – the word used by some journalists – that there would be a new hospital built in Perth-Andover, and high on a hill above the flood zone. I saw the 9.5 minute (unedited) interview on the Internet and he also ‘hinted’ that surgery was not going to be an option for this new facility because ‘Waterville is just down the road’ and Hotel Dieu will flood again.

            Why do I see and hear the fine hand of Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), that rather devious Italian politician? Why do I get the impression that he is saying: “Don’t be so upset about losing surgery now, because in the future there will be this fine new hospital overlooking all the sick people.” To be fair, he didn’t say that of course, or I would have pounced on the word ‘overlooking’ which is what we are all afraid of, being overlooked while the greater scheme of things drifts down the river. Oops, wrong analogy.

            Every time I hear one of those future-bright announcements, it reminds me of my favourite kids’ show host, Mr. Dressup. I used to watch that when my kids were growing up. One of his great stage props was his ‘Tickle Trunk’, where he found all sorts of costumes and masks designed to make things look different and better than they really were, if you get my drift.

            Let us be clear: the government(s) have tried to get rid of Hotel Dieu Hospital, and particularly its surgery, ever since Bernard Lord’s little band of minions decided to build a hospital in downtown metropolitan Waterville, where existed a ‘critical mass’ of cow patties. Whether this decision was made after a night of whisky sours and cannabis sativa, we will probably never know, but the kindest thing I can possibly say is that it was a mistake.

            They’re about to make another one by getting rid of surgery in Perth-Andover because the area doesn’t have a ‘critical mass’ (to use the minister’s words) of surgical patients. Well, no kidding. When you refuse to let a second surgeon come to Hotel Dieu and you overwork the first one, that might happen. TV networks use the same method when getting rid of a show; keep changing its place on the schedule until no one can find it any more. Voila! No more critical mass.

            Were I able to see into the future, I would probably see the brand new 2-room Perth-Andover hospital high on the hill in Andover, and I could see nurses reaching into a Horizon Health Tickle Trunk and handing out band-aids. But then I’m cynical.

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            On another subject that probably doesn’t involve politics, I have a question: Does Canada not exist in the winter?

Those of you who drive by our estate out here in the Colony of Scotch cannot help but notice that I proudly fly a Canadian flag on our front lawn. Trouble is, it’s getting a little threadbare and seedy and that is no fault of mine. I have been trying to buy a Canadian flag since the first of November.

No dollar store, no hardware store, no corner grocery, no black market entrepreneur, has a Canadian flag for sale. In one day last week, I visited three dollar stores (where I usually buy flags) and five other types of stores; not a Canadian flag to be had. I asked the cashier in each establishment: “How come you don’t got no Canadian flags for sale? Are we in Portugal or what?”

Pretty well all of them looked at me as if I were something they had just scraped off their shoe, and said, as if they were imparting information from the very Fountain of Logic: “Well, no, we don’t sell flags in the winter.” None of them saw anything bizarre about this, even after I asked: “Does Canada not exist in the winter? It must. I just saw it down the road.”

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As the reader knows, high finance is one of my specialties, and I'm here to report that I have found an investment that we all can take advantage of and make a good profit without any risk.

Back in the 1970s I bought Clairtone stock at $4.67 and sold it two years later at $1.22, and the next month I bought Redstone Resources at $4.75 and sold it three years later at $1.60. We won’t even mention Nortel, but those days are gone. I have found a sure thing. Those who should know are reporting from all corners of the world that the Canadian dollar is all set to rise against other currencies.

How about if we all buy as many Canadian dollars as our bank accounts will handle and wait for the rise? It won’t be long before our ships come in and we’re vacationing in Minto. As long as its not Waterville, please.

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