Boy, was I wrong about that flag!       

 

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

 

            In last week’s column I asked the musical question: “Does Canada not exist in the winter?” because I couldn’t find a Canadian flag anywhere. Wrong. A few days after I wrote that column I was motoring in the great village of Florenceville-Bristol, that is the Florenceville part of it, and I decided to visit the Great Canadian Dollar Store in search of a flag.

            Guess what? They not only had the exact size I wanted, but several other sizes too, and the young lady working there called me ‘dear’, something I don’t get called at home. The closest I get to being called ‘dear’ here is being called the nether end of a certain farm animal – not a deer.

            Let’s see, what else is going on in our fair land? One man accused me of being Stephen Harper, and did so in front of the whole membership of the Club because it was darts-and-dinner night. He said that if it weren’t for the beard and the too-grey hair, I would look just like SH. (People use his initials now because it reminds them that he won’t talk to them or the media on any subject except the piano and the NDP.)

            Anyway, to skip to the bottom line, this guy who made the accusation told everyone at the club that he could prove I was actually Stephen Harper. “Tell me this,” he said triumphantly, “have you ever seen Bob and Stephen Harper at the same time, in a photo or otherwise?” To him this was the height of logic.

            “He must be Ed Edwards’s pet iguana too,” shouted Flug. “I’ve never seen them together either!”

            From nonsense to more nonsense, my friend Flug was stopped by the police last week and asked why he kept going over the yellow line. He said there was no reason for it except the lemonade he had drunk at the Club. There’s more to the story of course: Flug was walking at the time. La gendarme who flagged him down was Kincardine Police Const. Maryon Flumeneise, who has long had her eye out for Flug. She offered him a lift home and on the way she said: “If I charged you with impaired walking, what would you say to the judge when he asked you how you plead?”

            “I would say: Oh please, please, please, please don’t find me guilty! How’s that for pleading?”

            There’s been some reaction to my recent column of puns, but I have a big and ugly watchdog, so the comments don’t bother me a bit, although the drive-by shootings are getting a little tedious. Cst. Flumeneise is usually the one who answers the call and she’s always a little peeved that it isn’t Flug who invited her to his house. “I might do a little drive-by shooting myself if he doesn’t smarten up!” she roared gently.

            But back to the subject of puns, people are actually sending ME examples of their favourites even though I am the Pun King of western Kincardine. Eddie asked me why I should be careful not to insult a playing card. I said I didn’t know. “Because they travel in packs! Haw haw haw.”

            Even Cst. Flumeneise had to put in her (less than) two cents worth. “I was questioning a driver last evening,” she said, “and he admitted to drinking – the day before, and didn’t drive while he was imbibing (a good example for our youth and our oldth). He even held up an empty whiskey bottle and of course I had to say ‘something’s gone a rye!’”

            Even Glenn Harvard of Glenn’s Photos had to weigh in with all of his 28 years and 98 pounds on the subject of puns. By the way, he’s one of those people who still use film cameras because he feels the quality is better. “Yeah,” he said, which meant he was about to speak, “yeah, I had one older lady – at least 45 – who wasn’t happy with the photos I gave her, well, sold her, and she asked me if I really thought she looked that bad. Lady, I said, I can happily say the answer is in the negative.”

            After all that additional pun-ishment, I would like to leave readers with this statement by convicted felon Conrad Black who was being interviewed by a British reporter. Although Black has lost much of his fortune, he still has a hundred million or so, it is said. If you want to hear the words of an arrogant, uncaring and blind rich man, listen to this:

            The reporter asked him what he now thinks of his native country, Canada, which has let him back in. “It’s a more interesting country than it was and frankly, John, it’s not that hard to make money. It’s a treasure house and it only has 33 million people in it. There are almost no poor people.”

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