Everybody
should order ‘chicken chests’
by
Robert LaFrance
That first snow. What a thrill!
I am writing this on a Sunday
morning, a few hours after I awoke to see the ground covered in white stuff
that was neither baking soda nor flour. Those reading the words ‘What a
thrill!’ will recognize sarcasm, irony, and all that good stuff.
Why me? Why does winter have to happen to me of all
people? I’ve tried to be a good person. I give to the food bank (food,
returnables, donations) and I don’t beat my dog unless he deserves it.
On to other things: I was thrilled recently when I
read the newspaper headline “Scottish to vote for independence in 2014”. As one
who has seen (and heard) a certain amount of Scottish culture and one who has
often heard the opinion that Scotland is the finest place in Earth, I was
surprised to learn it wasn’t already independent.
After all this time, none of the people in this
household who claim Scottish ancestry (not me) have ever mentioned the fact
that Scotland is part of Great – or formerly great – Britain. I think they have
believed all these years that Scotland was a country anyway, and the Scots the
greatest race. The kiltophiles of this world must think the 2014 vote is quite
irrelevant.
One of these days, I warn you, I am going to do a
pun column. It will consist of a mealtime condiment and gushing praise (a salt
and flattery) and things like that. I will look at every little crook and nanny
for inspiration. Anyway, perhaps I’ll do that later. I like to sit and think
about puns in my lonely cabin, but I can’t do that any more because the cabin
has a lean on it, according to the bank, (and how would they know?) and I might fall out.
Occasionally, against my better judgment, I read a
book set in Victorian England, meaning the latter half of the nineteenth century
when the ever-smiling Queen Victoria was on the throne. “We are not amused,”
was her favourite phrase. The reason I don’t often like to read about this
period of history is that it is so silly – unlike our age of endless serious
discussion. Nobody in those days acknowledged any parts of their bodies; their
legs were referred to as ‘limbs’ as if they themselves were a tree. After I
read the book I refer to I went out for a restaurant meal and ordered ‘chicken
chests, please’.
As if I hadn’t been depressed enough about the
fall’s first snow, Flug came over to visit this morning. He went to the fridge
first thing and took out a lemonade. “Late night,” he explained, before he
drank it all in one visit to the bottle, then grabbed another. “Isn’t it great about the
snow?” he asked, and grabbed another lemonade before I kicked him halfway to my
cabin with a lean on it. If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s people who are
cheerful in the morning or make welcoming comments in the direction of winter.
Have you been watching the news coverage of the
Charbonneau hearings in Montreal? Quite fascinating - owners of construction
companies being called before the hearings and testifying that they had to pay
the Mafia and politicians three or four percent of any government contract. It
was right on film, these guys handing out envelopes of cash to organized crime
folks. Four envelopes stuffed with cash, one for the Mafia, and three for the
politicians. One news reporter was saying tonight that Quebec was ‘corrupt’. No
kidding. However, one good thing did come out of all this - one tired old
phrase will now have to go in the waste-basket: “Under the table payments”. The
video clearly showed that the payments were right on top of the table.
I wanted to contact the Guinness Book of World
Records 2014. As of last evening at 6:37, I had been called 329 times in two
days by telemarketers, most of them being “Megan, with Cardholder Services”. Another
one I’ve gotten a few thousand times before is the one with the ship’s whistle
at the beginning. The idea is that I have just won a Caribbean cruise and I
should send money to secure my stateroom.
I said I ‘wanted’ to call the Guinness people, but I
have changed my mind. Megan is just so cheerful and happy sounding and just
wants to help me out with my credit card problems, even though I don’t have any
that I know of. Unless…what aren’t they telling me? Maybe the next time
Megan calls I had better find out.
-end-
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