Hating on Oct. 10, 2012

All the things I love to hate      

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

 

            Wind chimes. Squirrels (rats with good PR). Painting anything. Tail-gaters, especially on 4-lane highways. Insects in my apples. Flat tires. U.S. election campaigns. Microsoft. Cell phone companies. Any figure of authority. George W. Bush. The very indecisive Reversing Falls. Procrastinating. The use of the words ‘bacteria’, ‘media’ and ‘data’ as singular. Bureaucrap. Diets. Careless parking which can lead to car-less parking. And I ain’t fond of bad grammar.

            Designer beards. A few years ago they would have simply been called ‘unkempt’. How about ‘concurrent jail sentences’? Ever heard of anything so dumb?

            I can’t think of any people I hate, but I sure hate a lot of THINGS. And the number seems to be increasing every day. I don’t hate Facebook, but it is a bad thing sometimes, such as when a young friend of mine learned of her best friend’s death on Facebook, only an hour after at happened.

            I think I hate some of the oxymorons – as well as the morons – of everyday life. How about ‘common sense’? Did you ever hear of anything that fit the description of oxymoron any better? I can only assume that the phrase was invented before the age of television, when several people did have some sense. I don’t have that problem myself.

            Back to things I hate, I hate to see a new car scratched – mine or someone else’s – especially when it’s just through stupidity. About five years ago a certain RCMP officer parked what was clearly a brand new cruiser at the post office parking lot in Perth, and somebody in an old beater drove in and parked about a foot away, swung open the door and laid open a big gash in the cruiser’s door. The officer came out just then, saw what had happened, and charged the guy right then and there. I would have helped set up a gallows on the spot and offered to find the lumber, but she said no, ‘due process’ would have to suffice.

            Just about a week after we bought our 2009 Corolla, I parked it in a grocery store parking lot. It was a BIG parking lot in Fredericton, and I parked in the back corner of it, as far from the other cars as I could get. I was in the store no more than six and a half minutes, but when I came out, there was a pickup truck on one side of my car, and a van on the other. They were close, and there wasn’t another vehicle within fifty feet. Lots of room, but the drivers felt they needed the companionship I guess. It was a miracle though; there wasn’t a scratch on my Toyota. However, as I was driving home, a truck threw back a rock and smashed out a headlight. Murphy lived, then as now.

            I can’t say as I hate them, but it quite annoying at times when organizations don’t take down their signs after advertising an event. When I am in stunned mode (often) I am just as likely to make plans for overeating at a potluck supper that took place the week before. Don’t laugh; it’s more sad than funny. Last year, thinking a bean and salad supper was scheduled for a certain afternoon, I drove 20 km only to find it was the previous Sunday.

            Billionaires and mere millionaires who, in truth, are not as financially solvent as I am: Suppose, for argument’s sake, I owe $71,325.23 to my credit card company, I am still better off ‘on the bottom line’ than someone like Donald Trump who, it is said, has assets of $145 billion and debts of $195 billion. So how come he’s driving a Rolls Royce, or being chauffeured in one, and I have a slightly less expensive Japanese sedan? Why does he eat caviar and I am overjoyed to have brook trout?

            Bottled water. It’s been proven over and over again that bottled water has just as many bacteria (that’s more than one bacterium) and minerals as the water coming out of taps, but people spend hundreds of dollars a year and waste a lot of plastic in buying bottled water. The companies who sell it have persuaded people that their product is ‘safe as houses’ as they say in Britain of all places, and all they needed was a group of 100 million people or so who bought that guff. I once paid $1.73 for a half-litre bottle of water and proceeded to give my head a shake. Dangerous, but effective.

 

               But most of all, I think I hate to have people be sceptical when I tell them something. I never lie as you know. Even when I found a wonderful money-making opportunity over the Internet, people just laughed when I told them. I am going to be a wealthy man. You see, there’s this company in Nigeria which has its funds frozen in a bank there, and all they needed was $20,000 to pay off government officials. I sent them that money and sometime in the next few weeks I am going to receive $457,000 (U.S) in cash. After that people won’t scoff at Bob LaFrance. I’ll be a somebody.
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