Friday 8 June 2012

Imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence

D-day was 68 years ago today      (June 6/12 column)    


                                                            by Robert LaFrance



            First things first, I want to say thank you to the guys who hit the beaches in Normandy on June 6, 1944 and finally got Allied troops onto the European mainland. We owe them a lot.

            Although it was sixty-eight years ago, some of them are still around, but don’t bother trying to get them to talk about it. I don’t think I would want to either if I looked back to remember seeing those Nazi guns on the hills. It was rather noisy too, if I understand it right.

            Many of us who weren’t there might be under the impression that the Allies hit the beaches with such an overwhelming force that the Nazis just couldn’t do anything but retreat, but those who study history know that it was what one Canadian general called ‘a damned close-run thing’.

            While it didn’t take long to get a foothold in Normandy, the main reason the Allies could keep it was because Hitler, against the advice of his generals including Erwin Rommel, kept back several Panzer divisions because he was sure the main attack was going to take place at Calais, not at the five Normandy beaches it did.

            It was not the first (nor the last) time Hitler had overruled his generals. Most of the time he screwed up and blamed the soldiers, but sometimes not, and then it was his own brilliance that had been responsible. On D-Day – and his aides were so scared of him they didn’t dare wake him up until 10:00 am, five hours after the Allies landed – he could be excused for thinking the Normandy attack was a diversion. After all, only 5000 ships had crossed the channel, 800 Allied planes were dropping bombs and strafing, and 100,000 soldiers had arrived on the ground in France. Quite a diversion!

            I won’t go on with this; suffice to say that the good guys finally won, and, by the way, in spite of what you might guess from American movies and shows on the Military Channel, it was more than Americans on the beaches. The Canadian soldiers, as usual, were punching well above their weight, but John Wayne, well-known draft dodger, made loud movies – and lots of them -  from the safety of Hollywood, and that’s what some people remember.

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            According to Red Green, imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence, and I’m sure it’s true. (He may, possibly, have meant flattery.)

            My neighbour Silas is always going on about how wonderful Prince Charles is, and does everything he can to imitate or emulate the Heir to the Throne. Not so much lately though, since Silas got tossed into Oromocto jail for trying to get the prince’s autograph during the latter’s recent Canadian visit to Gagetown. Probably he shouldn’t have lunged. Those security guys have no sense of humour.

            I suppose the bottom line is that Silas is back home now and mad as a hatter – not at Prince Charles, but at Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall. “She thought I was trying to kiss her and screamed,” moaned Silas, “and I can assure you, I was not. She reminds me of my third grade teacher, Mrs. Hagglefort.

            “So you were trying to kiss the prince?” I queried.

            “No, you moron,” Silas said. “I just wanted his autograph.” I asked him if he would be continuing to imitate the prince in dress and deportment. “Of course,” he said. “I certainly wouldn’t try to imitate her, not with that hat.”

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            Speaking of Royalty, one of the forest creatures just down the road from us has been getting his share of crowds whenever he dines in his favourite restaurant. A yearling black bear whom I would guess to weigh about a hundred pounds or, in the metric system, the equivalent of 100 pounds, only in kilograms, has taken to coming out in a nearby field to have a snack.

            Unlike most bears, he’s not the least bit shy or self-conscious, and just continues to munch grass even though people are standing there along the road or sitting in their cars and taking photos of him. He’s become what Kincardine needs one more of – a celebrity. I’ve been getting quite weary of carrying the load by myself.

            I have named him Edward IX. Although he, minus a name, seemed quite content to dine out there in the field just about every day, I felt he should have a handle and Edward the Ninth seemed as good a one as any. I’ve taken a few pictures of him myself and I always see nobility in the way he pauses and looks at me as if I were standing along Kensington Street and watching him go by in a Royal coach.
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