Spring
has sprung
by
Robert LaFrance
It’s now early April so we can now
start planting things like tomatoes in little containers in the house. Yea!
Working like a dog can begin; that is, digging for no apparent reason.
Just this afternoon I received two
seed envelopes from Vesey’s in PEI – Tavor artichokes, which are supposed to
produce the first season, and Ring of Fire peppers. Do I have to mention that
they’re hot peppers? I have to start both of these inside by this weekend.
Working and slaving by a pensioner – not right.
Changing the subject, or segueing as
people say these days, I visited my club last weekend, and, once I had a glass
of nice cool lemonade in my hand, I settled down to watch a bit of television
before I started playing shuffleboard.
Soon, very soon, the news
disappeared and a commercial came on for some kind of medicine that had
recently been developed to cure a disease that had recently been discovered and
which no one but drug companies acknowledge. The list of side-effects and
possible results of taking this medicine was staggering, and staggering is
probably the least of what could happen. The pills were invented (no doubt by
someone whose only qualification was imagination) to cure, for example, a
condition called Xophinic Pettinism that the drug company had only invented
last year.
“Feel nervous before speaking in
front of a crowd? Ever had diarrhea? Fingernails have to be trimmed more often
than before?” might have been a few of the symptoms. The pill to cure this was
readily available from the XXXX Drug Company and would make one a great public
speaker in hours, if he happened to last that long.
Possible side effects include memory
loss, gout, hair loss, fever, teeth falling out, hip itching, hearing gain and
fifteen or twenty more minor ones like stroke, heart attack and venereal
disease. At the end, the commercial announcer suggested that if the user were
to experience any of these symptoms, including death, he or she should see his
or her physician. Good luck on that.
NOTE: Somewhere in every one of
these commercials is the phrase “Doctor recommended”. Last Tuesday I had the
day off from being picked on by my wife (she was away buying a broom) and I did
some research. After an extended period of time in front of my Internet, I
learned that, in the case of Xophinic Pettinism, the alleged physician was in
fact a Doctor of Philosophy, specializing in Crowd Pleasing.
Another change of subject: I find
that Canadian comedians tend to have only a few politicians they pick on regularly,
and of course Céline Dion. I am getting tired of it. I have heard Céline sing
many times and she seems rather competent in spite of being drowned twice when
they were filming the movie ‘Titanic’. Of course this was only a rumour.
The one person who gets the most
razzing is federal Tory leader Andrew Scheer, whose dimples seem to be an
unending source of mirth to comedians. With those cheek caverns, he looks less
like a vicious hard-nosed politician (remember Rona Ambrose?) and more like a
guest on Sesame Street. I have written to Mr. Scheer and have given him my
suggestion on how to overcome this problem. As the phrase goes, it’s simplicity
itself.
Grow a beard. I remember the old
days (I really don’t) when I was clean-shaven and people tended to ignore or
laugh off anything I said. Then I grew a beard and found that when I talked,
people listened. I believe Joe Clark was prime minister in those days and,
although he had his own problems with credibility because of his three chins,
he would listen when I suggested something. “Bomb Moscow, Bob? Good idea.”
There’s no way I can write a whole
column without mentioning Donald Trump. Yesterday I was watching a YouTube
program featuring a talk by Noam Chomsky, a long time political commentator, or
as my friend Flug says: common tater.
Chomsky explained one reason that
Trump continues to make almost daily outrageous statements. It’s all part of
the plan put forward by his backer group of billionaires – keep all the news
organizations abuzz with ‘foolishment’ so that CNN, the Washington Post and
other members of the media are busy with this and not looking into how the
government is now allowing oil drilling in national parks, is now cutting
funding to public schools, and deregulating banking. Climate change is ‘fake
news’ of course.
Trump’s election came about because
of Russian help and with the help of the general political and public nastiness
that began with TV shows like ‘Amercian Idol’ and the show Trump thinks he is
still hosting, ‘The Apprentice’.
I will sure miss him once he’s
impeached and found guilty. He sure is entertaining although corrupt and
possibly the biggest liar in U.S. history, and that’s saying something.-end-
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