Why can't I remember names? (Oct. 8)

Thanks for the (lack of) memories

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

           

            It is traditional that the husband forgets the date of the anniversary so that the wife can be properly outraged, but here in this house it’s the husband who always remembers. He may be the first to remember, or perhaps the only one.

            “What! Is it September this week?” she may say after she looks at the calendar. “Our anniversary is in September ain’t it?”

            I can remember practically anything that has a number associated with it, but when it comes to names, you might as well not bother telling me. Years ago I bought a book entitled “How to Remember Names” and only recently found it under one of the Chesterfield cushions where I must have lost it the same day I brought it home. During that time I have not remembered one name.

            No, that’s not quite correct; I remembered the name of the book.

            As a journalist, my having an ability to remember names is vital; I just hope no one reading this tells Brunswick News that I can only remember numbers…it just occurred to me that what I should have been doing all this time was remembering people as numbers. For example, when Brian Mulroney came through here in 1979 I could have called him Minus Four and then a month later I could have called Joe Clark Plus 6.5. Stephen Harper would be 0.654 (because he’s so precise with all his non-answers).

            I even know the reason for my lack of ability to remember names. Thumbing through an encyclopedia last week, I came across some definitions of parts of the brain. The part that controls the memory of names is located near the left frontal lobe and guess who got struck by a hardwood stick there when he was about eight years old?

            I still have the bump there. What happened was that my cousin (who doesn’t need to be named, but it was Harold) and I were throwing sticks around and one he threw caromed off a nearby apple tree and whacked me on the forehead. He was all worried, thinking he had killed me because of all the blood, but Uncle Jim was there to smooth things over: “It’s all right, Harold. It’s just his head, nothing vital.”

            Uncle Jim had a lot of class; unfortunately it was all fourth class.

            I wrote the foregoing because I want people to know why I forget their names almost immediately. I try very hard, but when I am introduced to someone, no matter how much effort I make, his or her name disappears into space dust within ten minutes. I was telling this to the editor, Joanne, just last week and she said not to worry. No one believes anything I write anyway.

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            A few observations are in order so I can tear some pages out of my notebook.

            In the 1970s my (future) wife what’s-her-name was attending the New Brunswick School of Craft and Design in Fredericton when one of her fellow students asked her where she was from. My wife admitted that she lived in Victoria County.

            “Oh, the Lost County,” said her friend. “We hear about Madawaska County, Carleton County, York County – even Albert County which has a population of seven – and all the other ones, but nobody ever mentions Victoria County.”

            The recent provincial election reinforced this for the 8,739^th time. As if a seat in Fredericton were worth more than ours, we would hear about the former ten times while our riding was mentioned once. At least it WAS mentioned. I understand that some ridings still haven’t seen their election results.

            Last evening I watched the first episode of the CBC-TV show ‘Canada’s Smartest Person’ and saw my daughter Kate’s face on there for a few seconds when they were showing the top 32 contestants in Canada. I’m glad it was she and not I who made the top 32 and will therefore be on TV. I would have fallen into a panic – if not a stupor – the first time someone asked me what time it was. Her episode will be airing on November 2^nd and I might watch it. Just in the past week she’s been interviewed by four newspapers, two radio stations, and what seems like every media outlet in New Brunswick, including Radio-Canada which is the French CBC station.

            And now I have to go and study. This week it’s the Middle East. I have to try and figure out how the U.S. is going to demolish the terrorist threat from ISIS which is an enemy of the Syrian government which is also an enemy of the U.S. which has been screaming at Russia over Ukraine, but Russia is a friend of Syria which the U.S. hates…STRONG DRINK PLEASE!

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