My
client regrets his (her) actions, your honour
by
Robert LaFrance
What we need is some kind of media
translator (MT) to take statements made by politicians, business leaders,
janitors – in other words, people in power – and change them into what the
speakers REALLY mean.
Reading a story in today’s daily
paper, I was struck by the words uttered by the defendant’s lawyer. “The
defendant is full of regrets for what has taken place and the pain he (she) has
caused.”
If we had a good working MT, it would
translate that into: “The defendant is full of regrets for getting caught and
the pain and expense that he (she) has gone through in serving the minimum
amount of time in jail.”
On a similar subject, I sat dozing
in my living room easy chair when all of a sudden I was either dreaming or
looking at a TV show about some guys from the era of the Three Musketeers. They
were what used to be called ‘swashbucklers’. It reminded of the guy (gal) in
court who had been buckling swashes all over the place before he (she) got
caught. A lot of people think we should go back to the days of the Three
Musketeers when serious crimes resulted in the tipping of the cap with the head
still in it.
I can’t say I subscribe to that sort
of thing, but it’s tempting to think of now and then. Trouble is, when you have
permanent solutions like that you can’t go back and say “Oops!”
On a side note, I don’t remember
ever seeing the Three Musketeers with muskets, but almost always swords, so it
was false advertising in the first place.
*****************************
A couple of Mondays ago, as I was
out picking apples so the bears wouldn’t have quite so many, a red and white
helicopter appeared over the horizon. For the next half hour that vehicle went
back and forth over the area; I couldn’t help but think that it must have been
the RCMP looking for The Deadly Grass (TDG).
In spite of the fact that I don’t
grow anything stronger than tansy, I couldn’t help feeling guilty. A couple of
times I held out my wrists for handcuffs, but they didn’t land, at least not
around here. Maybe it wasn’t the police at all, but a political execution squad
looking for escaping Bloc Quebecois members, but whoever it was, I don’t think
I like helicopters hovering over my gardens.
After all, Save-Easy sells tomatoes, and even basil so they can hover there.
A few days after this incident, if
it could be called an incident, I read in my daily newspaper that there had
been major marijuana and cocaine ‘busts’. A big co-ordinated police operation
in Quebec and the Maritimes.
As usual, I am confused as to why we
might have a police helicopter (if that’s what it was) perusing my garden and
orchard and spending $1000 an hour to do it, while in some areas of Canada and
the U.S. cannabis is legal. Of course, as I often hear from certain wives of
mine, it doesn’t take much to confuse me.
*****************************
I try to see the funny side of
things and then come and report it to you, but sometimes I don’t need any help
finding a funny side.
Ten days ago I was perusing the
Sportsnet channel when I came across two gents arguing about a certain rule
that Major League Baseball wants to bring in. One of these two gents was all
for the new rule and the other one wasn’t “because it might slow down the game”.
There is not a whole lot I can add
to that. The idea of something that could possibly make the game of baseball
any slower is away beyond anything I could imagine.
******************************
A lot of people are going to say I’m
lying about the following news item: On August 12, a man named Louis Riel won a
‘Best Big Toe’ contest in Brandon, Manitoba. From what I can guess, this is an
annual contest in that city, part of their Prairie Days celebration.
Louis Riel – and that is the
winner’s Riel name – I mean real name – is a barber from the nearby town of
Forrest Station. He told reporters he spent days cutting his toenails and just
generally buffing his feet. They shone like the sun. As a mechanical engineer
might say: “Truth is stranger than friction.”
Louis Riel – the barber, that is –
won $500 cash and an autographed picture of the original Louis Riel. I hope he
doesn’t meet the same fate – being elected to Parliament I mean.
-end-
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