Travelling
on Canada’s Route 66
by
Robert LaFrance
As I write these lines, I am looking
at my reflection in a mirror and am quite amazed. I just turned 66 and I don’t
look a day over seventy. Quite an accomplishment after the places I’ve seen and
the things I’ve done. There was this place on Jarvis Street in Toronto…but
never mind about that for now.
Birthdays are quite the thing, as
Grampy would say. My kids always ask me what I want for my birthday and I
always say: “I want you healthy and happy” after which they spit on the ground
(tobacco juice stains the chesterfield) and curse because I didn’t make it easy
for them.
One day in early May when we were
sitting at the kitchen table, I gently nudged a Roll-Royce catalogue in their
direction, but they kept easing it back and looking at the Dollar Store’s 12th
Anniversary sale sheet. I wondered how and why the Dollar Store would have a
sale, since most items started out at a dollar, but, as Miss Sara Williams used
to say: “Ours is not to wonder why…”
So the kids finally decided on what
to give me for my 66th birthday (that is, 65th
anniversary of my birthday since we can have only one birthday) and it was with
a shudder I saw that they were planning to buy me a chainsaw. “But if you get
me that,” I protested, “I will have to do some work! As you know, Dr. Hensaw
said that I was allergic to work in any form.”
Look at it this way, Papa,” said my
younger daughter. “Whenever Mum buys a new rolling pin, you can render it an
obsolete weapon within minutes.” Smart kid. My new Echo chainsaw that I bought
from my cousin Eric LaFrance in Andover works great, even if I don’t. (That’s a
free ad for Echo, but not for Eric, since people now question his judgment in
selling me such an item.)
****************************
Although I write for a newspaper, I
don’t listen to and watch many newscasts on radio and TV. When I do, it’s
usually a mistake, like hearing about Adolph Poutine of Russia taking over
Crimea and working away at eastern Ukraine.
One exception to its being a mistake
though, occurred on Wednesday afternoon. I was sitting on the front porch,
sipping a lemonade, and listening to CBC Radio whose announcer was reporting
that the value of our Loonie had slipped to 90.3 cents, compared to the American
dollar.
Seeing a chance to make some real
money, I borrowed a thousand dollars from my friendly neighbourhood banker, a
guy named Narcisse whose office is in the back room of the Scotch Colony Club
and Lobster Emporium, and I went uptown. There I spent the whole thousand
dollars on Loonies. When it and the American dollar are at par again, I will
have made a neat profit of over ten percent, less whatever Narcisse charges for
interest.
I don’t care what everyone says, I’m not stupid.
*******************************
In Ottawa, a place I recently heard
described as ‘thirty square miles surrounded by reality’, they are waiting with
bated (or possibly baited) breath for the announcement that Senators Mike Duffy
and Pamela Wallin are to be changed with fraud, etc.
I continue to be amazed at the
so-called Senate Scandal, and not because some Senators were caught with their
hands in the cookie jar. Mostly my amazement is a result of what this all has
cost to investigate, compared to the sums of money allegedly ripped off from
taxpayers, who, I am reminded, include me, especially at this time of the tax
year.
Here’s my estimate: If the
allegations are correct and the allegator has decided not to sleep in the swamp
(that was an hilarious play on words about alligators) but look into the whole
thing, the four Senators under scrutiny have padded their expense claims to the
tune of $300,000-$350,000.
My estimate of how much money has
now been spent to nail these alleged miscreants runs toward - and brushes hard
– the sum of $2 million, and I might be, if you’ll pardon the expression,
conservative in that estimate. RCMP investigators, Senate auditors, independent
auditors, time wasted in Parliament talking about this stuff, planes, trains
and cars flitting around looking for smoking guns – it goes on and on.
When the story broke, why didn’t the
government just say to these Senators: “Don’t do that again!” and things could
have just calmed down right away. We could have gotten on with being Canadians.
Doesn’t anybody realize we’re supposed to be dull?
-end-
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