"You guys are full of shirts" (Nov 18)

This might be a smart phone, but…

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

            I almost spit (or spat) out my lemonade last evening when I glanced at the TV to see a guy rock climbing. I mean REAL rock climbing, like on a vertical cliff 300 feet high.

            Although I did manage to get down that swallow, I wondered just how crazy a person has to be to do that, and even that wasn’t a point. He was taking a ‘selfie’ with his smartphone and sending it to (one presumes) his gal who was out kayaking.

            I’m no expert, but it seems to me that to break one’s concentration while above 300 feet of air is not the smartest thing he could have done. The smartest thing he could have done would have been to stay home and mow the lawn.

            However, anybody that dumb would have shoved his foot into the blades to see how it felt.

            The TV commercial was selling smartphones of course, but I don’t think they knew their audience. If they were trying to sell a smartphone to me, or to Flug, they would have done better to have those actors or models pushing their Lawn-Boys and pausing for a cold drink now and then.

                                    **************************

            On the subject of those curly fluorescent light bulbs that were going to change the world: It ain’t gonna happen.

            I know three cases of their nearly catching on fire, if the homeowner hadn’t been right there, and another thing is all that lying about how long they will last. The advertising insisted that they would last 20,000 hours or some such ridiculous figure when in fact if you can get 1000 hours out of one you’d be doing well. We have had three burn out on our main floor and one upstairs.

            Something else ‘they’ don’t tell us is that if the light bulb is turned on outside – such as on our porch – the cold will not only shorten its life, but it will get dimmer and dimmer as time goes by. After a while that so-called 100-watt curly bulb will be putting out enough light to illuminate a doghouse, if the dog has good night vision.

            I have heard many times that our former bulbs, the incandescent ones, are no longer being made, so we will soon have to use those curly fries. Therefore people have stocked up on the older kind. You know, the ones that actually work.

                                    ****************************

            Last evening at the club we were talking politics and of course there was the usual mix of right and left wingers, as if politics were a hockey team. “They should put that Mike Duffy right in jail,” said Flambers (left winger), who is famous for wanting right wing types like Stephen Harper to pay for their crimes, real or imaginary.

            “Did you see where Justin Trudeau wants all students to smoke that Mary-jawanna pot stuff or not be allowed to get their high school graduation diploma?” said Dugald Thrump, right winger. (The ironic thing is, Dugald played LEFT wing on our Currie Road Ramblers hockey team back in the 1960s. Ask Donald Rossignol; he wouldn’t lie.)

            “You guys are full of shirts,” uttered Dennis Utarde, who could only be called a middle of the road guy. The discussion went downhill (if there was a downhill) from there, with each of them agreeing to disagree with the others.

            “A good compromise means that everybody’s mad,” I said, quoting Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame. “Sometimes we have to do some damage to do some good.  Remember all those great paintings of John James Audubon? He had to kill the birds and stuff them before he could paint them.”

            Only at the club could a discussion of politics end up on the subject of John James Audubon and his birds. It was late. It made no sense.

                                    **************************

               The scandal of the Volkwagen diesel cars that had the cheating software in their emissions systems has disappeared off the front pages and from the airwaves – as the pundits call radio and TV while ignoring the Internet.

            Why would this be? The company deliberately fixed its cars to cheat, but it doesn’t seem to have caused everyone to hate them. It almost seems as if people admire their initiative and chutzpah (gall).

            In fact, there was an Unintended Consequence.

            Talking to a noted car dealer in the Grand Falls – Minto area, I was surprised to see him smiling a smile as wide as Manitoba. “Volkswagen, please do it again,” he smiled. Noting my quizzical expression, he explained. “Remember when VW diesel owners were so mad because of the scandal that they said they would ‘give away’ their reputation-stained cars and buy something else? I had the something else, so I went around and bought every VW I could find for mere nothing AND sold them replacements, some of them actually roadworthy. Sunny ways my friend!”

                                                      -end- 

Housecleaning starts with the key ring (Nov. 11)

It’s about time to clean house

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

            I have a request to make of all the faithful and long suffering readers of this column. Would you go to your purse, your coat, or behind the toaster and find the key ring you use most often?

            Ready? Let’s begin, as they say in those helpful computer ‘help’ videos.

            The object of this exercise is to check each of the keys or other things on that so-called key ring and see (1) what it is supposed to open, (2) if you can actually open something with it, or (3) if you have a vague idea what it even represents. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

            Since I’m here and you’re there, let’s start with my own key ring. First, I weighed it. Approximately two and a half kilograms.

            A brass coloured key was to open my henhouse door. True, we haven’t had hens since my son, now in college, was in kindergarten, and the door is lying in my orchard where it covers my tiller in winter, but at least I recognized the key. I took it off the ring; it ‘clanged’ when I threw it in the empty 48-ounce juice can. A good start.

            The next key had GM on its side, but I knew it wasn’t for our 2004 Buick Century. The last time we had another General Motors vehicle was in 1999 when I gave away our 1983 Chevy Cavalier on a trade-in for our Plymouth Voyager van. Into the can for that key. Clang.

            And so it went until I came across a safety deposit box key. I left that on the ring because I knew that the SDB contained several coins, especially from Expo ’67. Their face value, I knew, was in the $35 range, but after all this time they were worth MUCH more, probably about $37. I could have gained $2 in appreciation from depositing $100,000 in a bank for a year, unless service charges had cleaned it out completely. I resolved to go get the coins and close the SDB.

            Making a long story somewhat shorter, within an hour I had the juice can full of useless keys and my key ring now weighed 76 grams. It felt good to get rid of that useless stuff.

            “What are you doing?” asked my wife as she reached for her rolling pin. “Why are you putting that can of useless keys in the cupboard?”

            “Well…they could come in handy sometime." It was all a blur after that. As my life flashed before my eyes I was saying to her: “Your key ring is next!”

             Two days earlier she had passed me her key ring to start her Toyota and I had suffered a hernia.

                        *************************

            Segueing quickly to the subject of politics (the KEY to our well-being, get it?) I note that this week Justin Trudeau will unveil his cabinet so we can judge his carpentry skills, and the defeated Tories and NDP folks will meet to lick their wounds.

            I have noticed that, in each of the last two cases, they are meeting in bars. The ex-Cons and the NDPeers could both meet in the same bar, and that would save some trouble.

            Joking aside, everybody I have spoken to says that the NDP were demolished, as were the ex-Cons. I can’t agree. The NDPeers have 44 seats, which is very good for a third party, but they lost many seats in Quebec because of Harper’s racist campaigning. Well, guess what?

           The only reason the NDP had so many Quebec seats in 2011 was because the late Jack Layton had charmed them; it was a one-off one time phenomenon. (I almost said ‘phenomena’ because so many news readers and commentators use this plural word, like ‘criteria’ when they need a singular one).

            The ex-Cons have 99 seats which is a very large number, and I wonder if anyone else noticed that 99 + 44 = 196, more than Trudeau has. (I never was much good at adding.)

            Canadians are happy though, except Uncle Herbie who has a sore finger and gout, because they got rid of The Wicked Warlock of Calgary. Even if he has resigned as the ex-Cons’ leader he’s still an MP though. Maybe the party will go back to being the Progressive Conservatives.

            I heard a rumour yesterday that our former Tobique-Mactaquac MP, Mike Allen, is ‘considering’ a run to lead the provincial Progressive Conservative Party of New Brunswick. The provincial Liberals have made quite a few mistakes in the first part of their reign, so maybe that will put them into thinking mode. As a neutral, I’m looking forward to some good skirmishes.

                                      -end-

Whoever heard of toque protection? (Nov. 4 column)

DIARY

A few dozen questions and comments

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

            This column will be one of short questions, but few answers because (I have just  been informed) I don’t know much of anything at all.

            There have been quite a few recent television and news feature stories about the automatic car, or self-driving vehicle. It can be set loose in Pincher Creek, Alberta, and pointed at Four Falls, NB and it will arrive, they say. You know how accurate THEY are. My questions are, who’s been asking for it? Who wants it? What insurance company would cover it, except with a tarp? I myself personally (as a former VC Record reporter used to say) can’t picture a scenario in which a car needs to drive itself.

            After the recent road-resurfacing in Perth, someone – DOT, the contractor, or a vandal – put the stop lines at the intersection exactly 55 feet in front of the stop signs. So  you could in theory stop at the stop line, and then, in order to see what’s coming off the bridge, you would have to drive ahead to the stop sign and stop again. Clearly Albert Einstein wasn’t one of the workers there.

            It was only yesterday when I saw in one of those obscure publications that I often read – I think it was called the Toronto Star – that some local politician had attended a broccoli party. I am quite serious. Think of all the ideas this opens up for the ‘hoi polloi’, which is to say us. Eggplant parties, organic corn parties – the possibilities are, while not endless, certainly seeming that way to this country boy.

            I happened to be listening to a commercial radio station this morning (I usually listen to CBC and MPBN) and there was an ad about tooth protection; it was a product to help solidify the enamel on one’s teeth. Trouble is, at first I thought it was toque protection. Even though winter is coming on, I wondered what the heck was going on. One of those weird 1960s-like moments.

            Listening to some hillbilly music in the Toyota (as opposed to the Buick – it makes a difference), I heard about the breakup of a country music duo, but I can’t remember their names. It could have been Flatt and Scruggs, or possibly Stephen and Laureen. Asked the reason for the schism, one of the musicians said: “Bill don’t like to be around me when I’m drinking, and I don’t like to be around him when I’m not.”

            “This is where good intentions come to die,” commented a character in a Dan Brown novel. He was the one who wrote ‘The Da Vinci Code’ in 2003. I didn’t hear the context of this sentence, but I’m hoping it wasn’t Ottawa’s Parliament Buildings. Justin Trudeau is giving people a lot of hope, especially after ten years of what’s his name, and I hope he’s not continually obstructed for no good reason as happens every day in the U.S. of A.

            Looking at a newscast last evening, I was impressed with the influence France still has, in spite of the fact that they haven’t won a war or a battle since about 1814. Every time someone is arguing about anything, France is right in there with both feet. The odious character Charles de Gaulle, who was Premier far too long, seemed to do everything he could to screw up the Allies war effort in the 1940s and never in history did he say thanks to Britain or any of the other allies who saved his country and his life. I guess the secret of France is that its leaders keep telling themselves that they are important. In 1967, when he uttered his “vive le Quebec libre!” he was quickly thrown out of Canada by Lester B. Pearson. Other than bringing us our own flag, I can’t think of anything else Pearson ever did.

            As I was writing this column Flug, looking over my shoulder and sipping one of my jars of lemonade, said: “The only war they really won – no argument – was in 1793 or so.” He was referring to the French Revolution, which France had to win because it was on both sides.

            A final comment: We all think we have perfect judgment, especially when we’re behind the steering wheel. I made this observation as I tried to clean up a scratch on the fender of the Buick. I was sure there was enough room to squeeze between those two Volvos and then get by the BMW and Rolls that were parked at the lemonade store. My insurance broker just called to inform me that the final bill totalled $1,034,211.21. Since we don’t have the penny any more, surely he could have made that $1,034,211.20.
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The wicked witch is dead (Oct. 28 column)

DIARY

Harper went to the polls and was exorcised

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

            Good morning. I deliberately waited until the day after election day before starting to write this column.

Yesterday morning voters were streaming into the polls in numbers I had never seen. I had voted in the 4-day advance poll which had a vastly larger number than any previous one. Glad to help.

            How I voted is none of your business, but I am sure that Stephen Harper and many of his merry band of attack ad mavens (which does not include retiring MP Mike Allen, who was our government member for many years and served with integrity and class) were baffled as to why they are now on the Opposition benches.

            The word ‘nasty’ was one I have often used to describe the Stephen Harper campaign. It turned out that Justin Trudeau had 78 days to get ‘ready’ and it turned out that Canadians responded to his non-nasty message with their votes.

            At the age of 67, I have voted in many election campaigns and have never endured one as nasty and unprincipled as Stephen Harper’s. That niqab issue was deliberately set afoot in Quebec, which over the years has proved itself over the top as an ‘anti-furriner’ province. Show them a race or a religion to hate and they will go for it. Muslim women endured curses and worse after Harper brought up the niqab issue as a desperate attempt to drain votes that might have gone Liberal. It turned out that his nastiness dragged votes from the NDP in Quebec and sent them TO the Liberals.

               On election day, October 19, (at last!) I was interested in reading some of the Facebook posts by people around here: “Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come to give Harper his walking ticket! He's disconnected from reality, he's done nothing more than create division among Canadians and his fear-mongering tactics are comparable to every political tyrant we've ever learned of in History class. And furthermore, I'm sick of seeing his ignorant and benighted commercials.”

            Another comment from a local guy: “Get out there and vote people, don’t make no difference who you vote for as long as Harper goes down the road.”

            And this one that was the best written of them all: “Today is the day...and let’s just say we got rid of Harper with a moccasin print on his ass. lol...VOTE!!!”

            That pretty much covers it.

                        ***********************

            As I write this, the Toronto Blue Jays – said to be ‘Canada’s team’ – just lost last evening 14-2 to Kansas City, putting them behind three games to one in the American League Championship series. Later news reports made a big deal of the fact that athletes are superstitious and maybe that was a reason for the loss. No kidding.

            One of the Blue Jays didn’t want one of his former coaches to attend the game because every time he did the Jays lost. So the former coach went to a dingy bar and watched the game from a corner. Seriously.

            Wayne Gretzky used to have a certain way to tuck in his jersey but he apparently didn’t have it tucked in on October 19, because he supported Stephen Harper who went from that endorsement to one from crack-smoking Rob Ford, former mayor of Toronto.

            When, as a teenager, I attempted to play hockey for the Currie Road Ramblers, I noticed that a couple of the players, when they had laced on their skates, always skated over to the net on the north side of the rink and tapped it with their left hand. One of them tapped it twice, and one tapped it three times. So silly. I tapped the south side net THREE times and we always won, but only when I didn’t play.

                        *************************

            We don’t get a lot of Palestinians here in New Brunswick, and certainly Victoria County, but one has to sympathize with their plight in the Middle East. For several weeks young Palestinians have been attacking Israelis, especially around Jerusalem because of something they think the Israelis had done.

            So the Israelis are equally to be pitied because just walking down the street can get them killed. It’s a killing field to be sure and there are even ‘suicide bombers’, some of them female, which I have not noticed before. The males who do this are supposed to enjoy the favours of eighty virgins, so one wonders about the females.

            Another weird aspect of this little war - and big wars have been started for less – is that some Palestinian mothers are proud of their sons who blow themselves all the way to Berlin.

One mother interviewed by CBC-TV said she’d be happy to supply her other son for the glory of the struggle. In the background was the other son and I could see him saying to her: “Come on ma, can’t we find a cousin or something?”

                                      -end-