Dial 911! My
rhubarb has gone berserk!
by Robert LaFrance
After waiting patiently all winter for
the snow to go to anywhere but here, I am now a bit fearful that I was too
patient.
It’s my rhubarb. It sat there under
the snow for what seemed like 11 months and didn’t make a sound or a gesture,
but now it’s become supper-aggressive. Only this morning I went outside to find
several rhubarb plants had attacked my lawn flagpole and almost had it down
before I rescued it.
At the
same time I could see that a nearby lilac bush was being quietly surrounded by
one particularly aggressive rhubarb plant, with an assist from some dandelions.
I solved that problem by hiring a small backhoe – and incidentally its operator
– to dig up the lilac bush and throw it on a bonfire. That will teach the
rhubarb a lesson. No more Mister Nice
Guy for me.
On to another Spring subject, I have
been pleased to see that the takeouts have opened so that at last I can get
some nutritious and organic food. The former Tilley Takeout (Officially T &
J Takeout) hasn’t opened though, and I am not too happy about that. It was the
place to be in early May when I dove into their fish & chips like a guy who
had just cycled across the Gobi Desert and saw a big sign that read “WATER”.
Oh well, perhaps later. Meanwhile in Perth-Andover Carolyn’s and Carl’s
Takeouts are taking up the slack. Mmmmm…poutine, one of Canada’s 19 healthy
food groups. I understand it has now replaced lettuce in the official list.
On the other hand, a sign on a barn
near Johnville read John’s Dairy Bar. It turned out to be a trough where John’s
cattle came in for a sip of water. Although the water was tasty when I sampled
it, the cows drinking habits hadn’t been as meticulous as they might have been.
Computer guys and gals know what bits
and bytes are and it’s interesting to listen to a small group of nerds talking
about the ins and outs of their marvellous instruments that have now taken over
the world. Down at the club on Monday evening (cheap mouse pad night) I noticed
that their subject had temporarily shifted to sailing because, as owner of a
barque (a many-masted sailing ship), Theo Dore had just entered the St.
John-Tobique River Regatta which is a race for left-handed computer experts. He
had narrowly missed a victory last year because just at the finish he had to
stop and prevent his laptop from sliding off the deck in the river.
This proved once and for all that his
barque was not worse than his byte.
If there are any soccer (known as
football everywhere except in Canada and the USA) fans reading this column, I
suggest you quit reading right now because what I read yesterday proves that
all soccer fans, including myself, are crazy.
The Middle East country of Qatar is in
the process of building many soccer stadiums (or stadia) for the 2022 World Cup
there and have imported thousands of workers from all over the world. I am
announcing today that they needn’t bother phoning me.
A CBC Radio report described the
working conditions and I can only say that I wouldn’t ask a cat to work in
temperatures that can and do soar up to 45ºC. And I am not a cat fan.
Furthermore, the workers are ripped off as much as possible and subject to
being fired and sent back to Indonesia, Yemen or some such place if they so
much as insult a foreman’s forelock.
On the subject of electronics, which I
often rant about, about 7:15 this morning I was wondering what good a telephone
is to anybody. I refer to the so-called land-line phones and not to cellphones
or smart phones.
Always an optimist and always cheerful
as a cobra, I looked at the bright side first. If I or you were able to dial
9-1-1 from a land-line – without being able to speak – the ambulance people
would dash out within a short time anyway and break down the door. Or not, if
the operator had decided it were a ‘crank call’.
Another advantage of the land-line is
that when the house power goes away during a thunderstorm, that phone still
works, just not the cordless phones. I know what you’re saying – your mobile
phone would still work, but, for example, if there were a nuclear strike near
the River de Chute cellphone tower, then there would be no more cellphone
service. It’s a problem all right.
Back
to the 7:15 am phone call I mentioned earlier, that was of course a telemarketer, with the usual Indian
subcontinent accent, and I answered with my usual expletive. Those calls are
contributing to racism for sure, because everyone blames the poor caller and
curses Pakistanis, Indians and Sri Lankans who are, after all, only trying to
make a living. I tried it once a few days after I first arrived in Vancouver in
1967 and was met with curses. That contributed to BC-ers’ racism against
New Brunswickers, a condition that is only now going away.-end-
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