DIARY
When
potholes and yes ma’ams are good things
by
Robert LaFrance
After there had been a recent rain,
I was walking along an asphalt driveway among a host of earthworms trying to
get to the other side. Since I was in Boy Scout mode (kind to little old ladies
and earthworms) I put a dozen or so into the nearby grass. They immediately
started back, although they had been heading in that direction. “I know how you
feel, guys,” I said. It was Monday morning. I had been going around in circles
myself.
We all dread getting behind school
buses that stop to pick up or let off kids every whipstitch. This morning I
timed it exactly wrong and had to follow a school bus for many kilometres
because there was really no place for him or her to pull over and let me by. I
was amazed at how many potholes, yes ma’ams and crevices that bus hit at full
speed. The kids in the back were bouncing all over the place, the poor little
dears. I was appalled until I saw their great big smiles and remembered how my
own kids used to urge the bus driver to go faster and hit the bumps even harder
so they could enjoy bouncing up to the roof. Once when I was taking my
daughters to school in my Ford F150 truck, we went over a yes ma’am near
Kilburn and they FORCED me to go back and go over it faster next time.
Ellery O’Brian, who is the son of
bartender Olaf Gunderlick and the third cousin once removed of my friend Flug
who – I just found this out – is part owner of Kincardine’s number one AM radio
station CPOT, is one of the many who will welcome the legalization of
marijuana. Indeed, he was the one who suggested the station’s call letters. He
is branching out into other media and that will include potcasts, I am told.
As one who often watches television
in the evening (I stayed awake almost an hour once) I sometimes tune in to
shows where there is an ‘expert’ talking about his subject as if he knows
something. However, two evenings ago there was a farmer/psychologist on there
and he has a radical suggestion. Dismantle the walls of every prison and use
psychology to keep the criminals inside the facility. Here’s how it would work,
in his own words: “Last week, after years of watching my cows tear down my
fences and escape from the pasture, I bought an electric fence and a few of the
leading cows went over first thing to see what was going on. They soon jumped
back. Two days later I unhooked the electricity from it and they didn’t go near
again. I say we do the same thing with prisons.”
We hear stories about people
bringing home a bunch of bananas from the grocery store and finding a live
tarantula spider in them. The same thing happened to an acquaintance of mine in
Inuvik, NWT. It was rare for the government grocery store to have bananas and
of course my friend Dave had to have some. He bought a dozen. On the way home
to his cabin he also found an animal in his bananas. A roving polar bear
grabbed them from his grocery box and headed for the Richardson Mountains,
about 130 kilometres to the west.
Helping Igor wash dishes one evening
at the club, I marvelled once again at how much animal and human behaviour
resemble one another. As we were putting away the glasses and things, Landon
and Larissa Lightstock came in for their usual tipple at that time of day. As
usual they were fighting. The word ‘vicious’ must have been invented for those two.
A half hour later they had gone and I went over to wash the window where just
outside was a hummingbird feeder. As I used my vinegar/water mixture on the
window and started wiping it dry, two hummingbirds arrived. They fought each
other, scared each other away from the feeder, and just generally used up a lot
of energy that could have been better used drinking nectar. I thought of the
Lightstocks.-end-
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