DIARY
The curious incident at the car wash
by Robert LaFrance
Poor Leroy Finklestein. He took his 1989 Gremlin in to the
self-serve car wash and didn’t get out for three days. His wife was starting to
wonder, and, of course, hoping he wouldn’t return at all because theirs is a
marriage of inconvenience.
But he did return. On Monday morning the owner of the car
wash, Aloyisius Finklestein (no relation), opened up the door to find his shop
awash in Gremlin parts; crouching in the middle was Leroy, whose seat belt had
rusted and fused so that he couldn’t get it unbuckled.
After all that, Leroy’s only regret was that he had lost his
favourite car. Well, not exactly LOST, but certainly lost in the sense that the
remaining parts can now fit in a laptop case. As to the cause of the problem
with the car wash, it was a computer sensor that had shorted out against an LED
circuit board. Leroy’s cheques (from the carwash and the insurance company)
came to a total of $43.12 and that included $25 in lost wages from his
employer, and the $10 valuation of his Gremlin.
He took his complaint to his lawyer, who, when he found out
the ‘car’ was a Gremlin, said he had come out lucky. He then sent Leroy a bill
for $140.
**************************
I spend a lot of time thinking about softwood logs of which
I see truckloads going in opposite directions.
Reading that previous sentence, you no doubt thought that I
have ‘taken leave of my senses’ as the phrase goes, but it’s an important issue
we must address before next Thursday, or possibly the weekend.
I was standing near Perth Library yesterday morning and I
was watching the logging trucks go by. There was some space along the boardwalk
across the street from the two buildings that once were drug stores and the
driver pulled over to stop. Of course I had to go bother him.
It was Clyde Rivers, originally from Clyde River, NS.
“Explain something for me, willya Clyde?” I asked, offering him a cigarette,
which was a little strange right there because neither one of us smokes. He
declined and inclined under the trailer to look at some problem or other.
When he returned 20 minutes later (I am a rather persistent
reporter) I said to him: “Could you explain how it makes economic sense to take
a huge load of softwood logs from the Plaster Rock area to Edmundston, when on
the way you will meet truckloads of softwood logs coming from the Edmundston
area?”
“It makes sense,” he said carefully, “because every week I
get my paycheque. Didn’t you ever hear of Occam’s Razor?”
I looked it up. It is a concept developed in the 1300s by a
guy named William of Occam in England: If you have two explanations for
something, choose the simpler one. Rather than looking at the economics of
softwood logs, look at Clyde and his bank account.
**************************
Speaking of banks, I wish that I had bought stock shares of
the Royal Bank of Canada, indeed of any of the chartered banks who, no matter
if our economy is tanking (as they say, referring to an oil tanker I suppose)
the banks always come out smelling like some very expensive roses.
RBC, as the bank now calls itself in an effort to hide from
its laid-off workers, made a profit of $10 BILLION last year. That is 15% more
than the entire Gross Domestic Product of the African country of Niger.
In 2014 the bank had made some great headlines – from
journalists’ points of view, not theirs – when they announced that year’s huge
profits ($9 billion plus) and within a month announced they would be laying off
workers and replacing them with ‘out-sourced’ ones, from other countries. That
wasn’t the kicker though. The workers being laid off were asked to train the
new workers who would be replacing them at 60% the salaries.
The bank quickly backed off that little plan for the sake of
public relations, but that didn’t faze the higher-ups in the RBC. (See, I’m
doing it too!) Shortly after they announced the $10 billion profit for 2015,
executives said they needed this profit to deal with “problems caused by the
slump in oil prices”. Poor guys. They went on to say they were eliminating 528
positions, ‘mostly’ through retirements and attrition. ‘Mostly’ can be 50.1%.
In the interest of journalistic integrity, it’s time for me
to confess that I worked for the Royal Bank of Canada from 1967 to 1969. Just
think, if I had stuck with it I could have been one of those people announcing
layoffs and lying about the real reason - G-R-E-E-D.
I would have done it too. Like
Clyde, I shave with Ocam’s Razor. -end-
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