Two dogs on lap - distracted driving? (Jan 20)

DIARY

Going down to Computer Prison

                        by Robert LaFrance

            I came into the living room yesterday afternoon and a humidifier was running, pushing out steam and attitude, and a few minutes later I went down to the basement where a dehumidifier was taking it all back in. Isn’t that the way things go these days? We get a significant snowstorm, rain takes most of it off, and the house is cold until we get another storm that banks it all up nicely until the next rain.

            Everyone owns a digital camera these days, or so I think until I want someone to take a photo for me. Then it’s: “Camera? What? No, I don’t know anyone with one, but I have a smartphone.” The word ‘camera’ is a latin word that originally meant bedroom or some dark place, like Stephen Harper’s heart, or what passes for one. The word is amazing for all the jobs that it can do. If a meeting is ‘in camera’ that means just the opposite of what it looks like; it means ‘in secret’. If you’re ‘on camera’ better be careful of what you say. Video cameras have caught people shooting other people even though the first people lies about it later. Now I’ll go ‘off camera’ and have lunch.

            I may have mentioned this before Christmas, but I want to say I really like fruitcake. At this point someone is saying to himself: “Anybody who likes fruitcake IS a fruitcake!” I don’t know where one particular food found so many enemies; it’s as if liver were combined with broccoli to make a modern taste bomb. However, my darling wife makes fruitcake from her late Aunt Ruby’s recipe and it is delicious. Don’t tell her that.

            Every once in a while I think: “Canadians sure are weird, huh?” The recent federal election campaign saw a host of ‘ex-pats’ (who hadn’t been to this country since they received their high school diplomas here) suddenly decide they wanted to vote in Canada. Actor Donald Sutherland, in several interviews, said he should have the right to vote here because he was born here and grew up here. He hasn’t lived in Canada since 1957, yet he was adamant that he should be allowed to vote here. Weird.

            In late October, China, meaning the Chinese Communist Party, changed their 35-year policy of ‘only one child per family’ and decided that two would now be allowed. Did I just say that Canadians were weird? Some genius in the government back then thought it would be a good idea to have these little princes (girl babies were not wanted) going around the country and reminding everyone that they were special. Now this same generation is screwing up the world’s stock markets, just to show they’re no smarter than the previous folks.

            ‘Distracted driving’ has caused and will cause a lot of accidents. Equipment like Bluetooth let drivers have their hands free when they talk on their cellphones or smartphones, but texting is another matter. Not being a total idiot, I don’t text or read texts while I’m driving, but the car we bought a few years ago has a feature that’s almost the same thing. If I receive a text message and the car radio is on, I only have to push a button and hear the text message. Still on the subject of distracted driving, I was nonplussed yesterday to see a female driver go by with TWO small dogs on her lap, scratching at the car window, etc. I’m not even sure that’s illegal but it sure is distracted driving.

            My friend Elroy’s marriage could be falling apart before the very eyes of the Scotch Colony. Although he and his wife Janette attend the same church, like the same sorts of movies, enjoy the same music, there is a serious problem. He likes the varieties of apples that hold their shape when cooked in a pie, and she likes them to become soft, even mushy. All of their neighbours are getting together, forming a support group, and trying to do what they can. It is an important issue.

            I’m not sure whether I have mentioned this in my column, but if I did here it is again. My Aunt Glenda got a computer for Christmas and has been having a wonderful time collecting spam, phish, malware and whatever else she can find. My brother and I call her Auntie Virus. It is quite a phenomenon these days that people who don’t know the first 500 things about how to run a computer are often the ones who use them most. A former editor of this paper used to say that people like that should go to Computer Prison.
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