DIARY
Shall I return it parcel post?
by Robert LaFrance
Okay, let me get
this straight…a 7-foot python got loose in south Fredericton, but the
authorities said that it was no danger to humans.
Hmmm…
I decided to do
some research – don’t be shocked! - just in case this huge snake was a fast
slitherer and was heading north. My dog, a Great Dane named Fluffy, would also
be interested, and maybe even Bert, my Himalayan pony.
The missing snake was a Colombian
red-tailed boa constrictor but, according to its owner, a Mr. Gallant (not the
premier): “it lacks the size, strength and temperament to be a threat to
people”.
I’ll tell you what: one day in
Hamilton, Ontario, I stopped at a pub to have a cool beer (they were out of
lemonade) and a brawl started after about five minutes. A big guy hit a sweet
little old lady with a chair and she just looked up at him and smashed a beer
bottle across his nose. She also “lacked the size, strength and temperament to
be a threat to people”.
In other words, if a 7-foot boa constrictor comes
around my mailbox, he’ll get a parcel he’s not looking for.
**************************
A lot of people who come to road
construction sites and are held up there by flagmen who are mostly women now
don’t appreciate it much, even though it means they’re going to soon be driving
on new roads.
I enjoy it. There’s such a camaraderie among the
held-up drivers. As I am waiting, I see the other drivers happily gesticulating
to various people that they should set up a barbecue. Others wave happily in
the general direction of the construction, especially those people who are
clearly late for appointments and suchlike. Often they wave with only one
finger. Some people read or listen to their radio. Super high-tech drivers
check their e-mail and play Zoomata.
Finally the line starts to move, but only one space
because one of the vehicles close to the front is being hauled away for parking
in a restricted zone. The driver is trying to explain that he’s been waiting in
line for half an hour and not parked. The officer reads from his notebook the
definition of parking: “The vehicle in question stays in the same place for
more than 30 minutes.” Several other tow trucks are lining up to haul away the
other cars, but just then the line starts to move. The tow truck drivers curse.
Meanwhile the one driver whose car they did get protests too much and is
Tasered by the officer.
On the other side of the river I see a terrific line
of vehicles, and as I zoom away I say to myself once again that when I grow up
I want to be a flagman. What a responsible job, and what a chance to annoy
people! Looking at my watch, I see that I had been stopped for 37 minutes. It
was quite a party!
*************************
Following are a few other points
that must come up in some people’s lives:
What if you were a terrorist and
were applying for a job, let’s say at Sobey’s or Wal-Mart? You fill out the
application form, and of course as a religious zealot you must tell the truth.
When it comes to the line that wants you to list your previous jobs, what do
you say? It seems to me that these (or most other) companies would frown if you
wrote in “terrorist”. What do you say? Perhaps your last job was blowing up a
jet in the desert. Could you say ‘aircraft refurbishment technician’?
As a computer owner (or does it own
me?) of 21 years standing I can truthfully say that NOT ONCE in all those years
has one of those online Help files been of any help whatsoever. The people who
write those things are either so stupid that it’s a miracle they can put on
their shoes, or so intelligent that they’re in another world entirely.
Speaking of online, last week I
bought a flute from eBay and was amazed that it arrived the next afternoon, and
delivered by a drone. That drone was named Steve. I was further amazed to find
that ‘shipping and handling’ made up 70% of the cost. I asked Steve if, next
time, he could dispense with the ‘handling’ and just ship it to me. He said
that ‘shipping and handling’ was like ‘odds and ends’ and couldn’t be separated.
-end-
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