Not really an Ottawa insult (June 18)

Ottawa: 30 square miles surrounded by reality

                                                            by Robert LaFrance

            Once in a while each of us hears about something another person has said, and we say to ourselves: “Now why didn’t I think of that?”

            Such was the case when I heard a CBC announcer (or possibly a common tater) say that our national capital is “thirty square miles surrounded by reality”. I am sure the ‘reality’ part might be questioned, but one thing at a time.

            Only one day after I heard the above statement, someone else – no doubt a cynic – said: “Politicians should wear shock collars that go off every time they tell a lie.”

            Hold on now! Many persons would object if someone put a shock collar on his dog, so why is it okay for a politician to wear one?

            The reason for all this thinking (and my head hurts now) about politics is that, for the past month or so, one of the television channels I watch, CHCH in Hamilton where I used to live, has shown nothing but election ads.

            You know what I mean. “We’re going to stop government waste!” thunders the Liberal Party, but they never seem to finish that sentence, which, as we know, would be: “…and carry out our own waste management program.”

            We all roar about government waste, but do we really understand how much money is wasted by these people? It is said that a cancelled ‘gas plant’ project near Toronto cost Ontario taxpayers one billion dollars. Next time you drive by a food bank or a homeless person, think about that figure. Mirabel airport near Montreal was even more expensive, and Chretien’s cancelling the big helicopter contract when he took over from Mulroney, what did that cost? $550 million, that’s what. The original estimate for Point Lepreau was $455 million and it cost $1.5 billion.

            I’d continue, but I have to eat soon.

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            I have now sent letters to the New Brunswick government and the Opposition Liberals, as well as to the candidates for the NDP and the Green Party, and it’s all about spin-doctoring.

            You will have noticed that the government occasionally produces A PLAN on this subject or that minutes later the other parties will meet with the media who are all too willing to print their opinions. (Yes, the word ‘media’ is plural, as are ‘bacteria’ and ‘data’.)

            Here’s my idea: Why not have the government be heard from AFTER the opposition parties have had their say? And why haven’t their highly paid spin doctors  thought of this? So far the only thing they have thought of is to have the government release A PLAN late Friday afternoon so as to miss the major broadcasts.

            Here’s how my idea would work: On Monday the government announces that on the following Friday they will be releasing ‘A Plan to Stop Obesity in Brook Trout’. In minutes all the opposition parties will go to the media and say that it’s a terrible plan. It’s “too little, too late” and “the government gave in to the big trout companies” and things like that.

               Then on Friday, as promised, the government comes out with THE PLAN which by that time they have overhauled and tweaked, thanks to all that constructive criticism from the other parties. And that’s it. Simple as a church mouse playing a Beethoven symphony on the organ.

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            I (and you) have railed away about all the medicines now available to treat illnesses we didn’t know we had, or didn’t know existed, and it’s only going to get worse. I think the only defence against this sort of thing – which might be called ‘hypochondria catering’ is to come up with our own set of medical conditions and then make up some sort of pill for it. The most obvious condition that comes to mind is one we all need  treatment for now and then. It’s called ‘stunned’.

            Changing subject, it’s time we males stepped up and started to make formal complaints about sexism toward us. Driving to Grand Falls, I always notice the yellow signs that warn us that a moose might choose there to cross the Trans Canada Highway. You will notice that the moose on the sign always has antlers; don’t cow moose ever need to cross the road? Chickens do.

            Another example of this is the phrase ‘Old Man Winter’. This is not only sexism, but ageism, because there’s an insult toward males in there as well as an insult toward OLD males. Now that I’m 66, I resent it. I cry myself to sleep every night, but come to think of it, that is because of the rolling pin bruises.

            I didn’t realize the power I had until I wrote the story about Roger Pelkey’s trip to Israel and mentioned some of the things he said about the Dead Sea. The only thing is, I wrote “The Black Sea” which means that, with the stroke of a pen, I moved an entire body of water from somewhere over near Turkey to a little area between Israel and Jordan. This is power.

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