Notes
from all over the place
by
Robert LaFrance
Even as we speak or listen, there is
an epidemic of apostrophes going on in Canada. No doubt the same sort of thing
is happening in the U.S. of A. but that doesn’t concern me, and I’m Syria. I
mean serious. What I refer to is the indiscriminate use of the apostrophe. Many
people, when they see a word ending in the letter ‘s’, feel they have to
duct-tape an apostrophe on the left side of that letter.
A few weeks ago I was in Fredericton
and driving in the parking lot at the Smythe Street Canadian Tire Store. There,
near the top of the store’s façade, was a 6-foot by 8-foot sign proclaiming:
“Rust-proofing at it’s best”. Those of us who care about such things would tend
to throw up in the parking lot at such a sight. Of course I and all you readers
know that the apostrophe was not needed. I would have thought that Canadian
Tire would have asked the opinions of several persons before putting up that
big sign, but – scary thought – maybe they did.
A certain restaurant in our area
proclaims “Pie’s” for sale.
I’m quite upset these days about not
being allowed to go outside and walk or run until I fall over in a pile. It’s
true. A recent visit to the doctor and subsequent tests have shown that I am
allergic to vitamin D and we all know that is one of the ingredients of
sunshine. Hence, no more going outside during the day. I spend my evenings
drinking lemonade at the Club and lamenting the fact that I’m not allowed to jog
any more. In fact, I remember the doctor’s exact words: “Bob, I think the best
thing you can do is sit in a comfortable chair and watch television while
sipping away on some sort of liquid - lemonade for example.” Quite a disappointment for me, but what can
one do?
When the kids were going to school,
we went through a lot of Bristol board. It seemed that every day one of them
had a project that required the use of Bristol board. My question is this:
since the name change a few years ago, should I now call it
Florenceville-Bristol board?
My friend Flug’s wife Griselda
(nicknamed ‘Grizzly’ by her detractors, of whom there are many) was pondering
the purchase of a dog. As a resident of the Scotch Colony, I suggested the
cheapest possible option – going to a dog pound, excuse me animal shelter, and
getting a mongrel of some kind. But no, Grizzly wouldn’t think of doing that; a
dog is, after all, a piece of jewellery to be bragged about, especially the
price. She decided on a terrier, some sort of yapping, flapping, crapping piece
of useless fur that cost $927.32. “Think of all the lemonade that would buy!”
said Flug.
Now Griselda and several of her
friends get together every week to talk about their terriers. Yahoo. Of course
they take their dogs with them to the meeting, to the endless displeasure of
whoever happens to be the neighbour that day. Last Saturday the neighbour was
The Perfessor, who called the forest rangers and said the dogs, enclosed in a
corral surrounded by an 8-foot fence, had been chasing deer. He told the
rangers that the dogs were “canine garbage” and their owners we “terrier-ists”.
Just about every household today has
at least one computer; we have four. How are you enjoying them so far? Isn’t it
wonderful how Microsoft feels the need every six months or so to change their
operating system, evidently because the current one has only recently gotten
all the bugs ironed out and is working properly?
Can’t have that. I started out in 1994 with Windows
3.1 and it actually worked; Windows 95 was a piece of garbage; Windows 98 was
supposed to fix that, but took about three years to work. Windows 98SE worked
very well, and then along came Windows XP, the best one so far. Windows 2000,
Window Vista – both garbage. Windows 7 – quite good. Too good, because they
replaced that with their latest piece of garbage called Windows 8. People say
‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but Microsoft sees a good-working system as a
challenge to ruin it.
I would say the exercising fad
involving treadmills has now resulted in market saturation. Everybody and his
dog and cat has one. We tried to GIVE ours away on Facebook and nobody would
even drive down here and pick it up. Yup. Market saturation all right. Want it?
Quebec province’s proposed Charter of Values was revealed
a few days ago. If you ever saw a document more squarely aimed at the
province’s non-Caucasian citizens, let me know. Its entire purpose is of course
to get those who aren’t Quebec Francophones all upset and mount legal
challenges, so that the minority PQ government can bring out the ‘humiliation
card’ once again and get a majority, then annoy Canadians for another five or
ten years with talk of separation. Translation: send more money.
-end-
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