Vote for me on May 32nd (May 30)

For Blackfly Gazette May 30/18

NOTES FROM THE SCOTCH COLONY

Tattoos and Tilley are in the news

                        by Robert LaFrance

            I grew up in the benighted hamlet of Tilley, and, at the golden age of seventy, I agree that it is time that Tilley had a mayor and council. Plaster Rock has one although it has fewer potato farms than Tilley. Also, because I was born there in Tilley in 1948, I retain Tilley citizenship and will be eligible to vote in the upcoming (or up-chucking) municipal election.

            In addition to that, I am also eligible to RUN for office in the new municipality of GTA (Greater Tilley Area). Therefore, I am announcing today that in September my name will be on the ballot in the section headed “Mayor, GTA”.

            Just thought I’d let you know.

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            It’s gotten to the point now where I feel as if I should go out and get a tattoo.

            Everybody I see on TV (except Donald Trump) has a tattoo and I feel that I should join the crowd. Even my dog Minnie is interested.

            When I was a kid about 90 years ago, grownups always cautioned us: “Don’t get a tattoo because you will get everything from Hepatitis D to Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever to gangrene to syphilis and your arms and legs will fall off or else crumble into powder as you’re walking down the street!”

            I guess people today didn’t get that memo. Retired soccer player David Beckham has approximately 467 tattoos in areas that are visible even when he bears a business suit, and I’m not going to request a viewing of the rest, although the very idea sets a tremble among many women.

            Also when I was a kid, the idea of a woman having a tattoo was something bizarre, but in later years there was a woman I met in Burlington, Ontario and who had tattoos on her legs. I asked if she had any more, in areas not usually visible, and when I regained consciousness she was gone. It taught me a lesson: Have my medical insurance card on my person at all times.

            It is against my nature and my will to do any kind of research, but I did ask a fellow named John Google what percentage of the population of North America has or have tattoos. I was staggered to learn that, according to John’s statistics, 21% of the population have tattoos of some sort. I think that falls into the category that describes the kinds of lies: “There are lies, damned lies and statistics”. Probably the ones who gathered that statistic were working as pollsters in the 2016 U.S. election and predicted Donald Trump would finish seventh in the Electoral College vote.

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            It’s a few miles from Tilley, but the recent election in Venezuela was a landslide for the ruling party as was the latest election in Russia. In the South American country, the current president Nicolas Madura won by 90% or more because he had jailed two of the opposition leaders and his main opponent Henri Falcon, who collected a total of 1.8 million votes of about 7.5 million even as his party boycotted the election.

            Can NB Premier Brian Gallant be looking at this? It could be a win-win for this fall’s election. He could sling the leaders of the NDP and the Green Party in jail on some trumped-up (no pun intended) charge and then the Tory leader would surely boycott the election.

            But now I’m thinking: why in the world would an opposition leader think that boycotting an election is a good idea? What kind of LSD logic would he use? “Okay, we’ll punish that dictator by not voting. We’ll show him where the cat sat in the buckwheat”.

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Everything is so mealy-mouthed today. “Harvesting” deer? Come on. When I was a youngster, we shot them. A special note: I didn’t shoot any, because I was – now this is an estimate – the worst shot in the tri-county area, and you can include any three counties in that designation.

Concurrent jail sentences? This means that if you are sentenced to six years in jail for shooting a moose, you can be sentenced concurrently – serving it at the same time – to six months for shooting a human. I have often wondered why shooting a moose draws more jail time than shooting a human but lately, something to do with age, I’ve given up.

Whoever came up with these phrases that butcher English so much should be given a ‘high colonic’ (enema) and sent on a 12-mile hike. Maybe by the time he gets back I will be able to figure out what an occasional chair does the rest of the time.
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