DIARY
Loaded
questions and answers
by
Robert LaFrance
A question to husbands: Did you wife
ever say to you: “Are you planning to go to town dressed like that?” Like the
question “Does this dress make me look fat?”, it is one that can never be – or
SHOULD never be – answered. Just saying. So don’t try.
I am going to try and get through
this column without mentioning the certain race that’s going on south of our
border, but it doesn’t look good. When I was growing up I heard all about a
certain British guy named Colonel Blimp, and it does look as if he has
emigrated, but that’s enough on that subject.
A CBC Radio news story recently
caught my ear. The announcer spoke about a municipal government employee in
Cadiz, southern Spain. Joaqim Garcia’s co-workers at the water company wanted
to give him a long-service award but couldn’t find him. It turned out he hadn’t
been at work for at least six years, but had continued on the payroll at about
$41,000 a year (direct deposit). No one had noticed.
When the journalist had found him at
his home instead of in his office down the hall in the city-owned building, he
said there had been nothing to do, so he simply went home to do it. The labour
department sued him but were only able to collect about $30,000. The CBC
journalist, Lauren Fryer, ended the news spot with these words: “He has since
retired.” True story. Go ahead and Google it. It’s taking EI to a grand new
level.
Just looking at my notebook and
seeing a few scribbled words about the rampant
wimpism now afoot. What I’m saying is that people today are a bunch of
wimps, but I’m not going to blither on about wearing only a t-shirt and shorts
as I walked ten miles to school in –40º weather.
On Tuesday, Feb. 9, I was listening
to the radio, probably CBC, and heard a man describing the weather that was
going on around him. Seems to me he was located at St. Stephen or Kedgwick, one
a them places. “It’s blistering cold here,” he told the announcer, “and if the
wind starts up it will be vicious.” The announcer asked just how cold it was
and the man said: “Minus nine Celsius.”
Were my ears telling me the truth? I
checked my car thermometer. Sure enough it was –9ºC. “Are you kidding me?” I
asked the radio. I remembered walking to school while wearing only a t-shirt and
shorts in –40º weather. Oh wait…I said I wouldn’t do that. Anyway, long story
short, I got out of the car to check how cold it really was on the flesh. I’m
thinking now I should have stopped first.
It occurs to me as I am approaching
my dotage (getting older than the hills) that I haven’t received anywhere near
enough awards, certificates, and things like that. When I say I haven’t
received anywhere near enough of that stuff, I mean I haven’t received any,
except for a certificate for serving (and I mean serving) on the District 31
School Board from 1986-1989.
Remembering those heady days, I also
remember that it was not long after my stint that the province – in its wisdom
as the saying goes – added two small schools to the district, called it District
13 for luck, and added about 25 employees in the school district office in
Perth. It was one of the few times that the number of school district employees
exceeded the number of students they were supposed to administer. Another
interesting point I noticed back then was that when Murray Andrews retired, the
district replaced him with three employees.
I am sure you noticed that, as in
the case of various viral and bacterial infections, bureaucracies, especially
government ones, do tend to grow like bad weeds. Very bad weeds.
Carrying on with the idea expressed
a few paragraphs back, I think that I could be mollified (bought off) in the
matter of my not receiving awards if I were named to the Senate.
Prime Minister Trudeau, cheerful
after his recent soujourn in Washington, must be about ready to name some new
senators, for which I now eagerly throw my hat into the ring. I have all the
qualifications (totally without scruples, etc.) and am eagerly awaiting the
moving truck that will transfer my belongings, mainly electronic devices and
lemonade, to my new residence along Sussex Drive in Ottawa. I have already put
in a bid on a house whose previous tenant has moved back to Calgary.-end-
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